• eastenders

    I've been away for a while, I know that, and I'm sorry. Life is taking over again, and its very hard to manage on my own. With a sick child as its that time of year. With little sleep due to sick child. And with managing the growing demands of work...

    However, in the evening when I sit down to eat my dinner, I flick through the tv channels and I came across a story line in eastenders that I find both disturbing and intruiging. FOr those who haven't the foggiest, its about a man who is in a supposedly loving relationship with a woman, but is only really with her because he is sleeping with her underage daughter. So it follows how manipulative this man is towards the daughter and how he is grooming her. I think its great they are highlighting this, but, it makes me think. Firstly, the behaviour of the character Tony (the paedophile) is quite like C, very manipulative. But then I start thinking more about my future without C, and how I would be in another relationship, and in particular the saftey of N. I know not all men are paedophiles, but why should I put N through that heartache of being raised by another man, and for me to take the risk that he might hurt, or touch her in some ways..... I can't think about it, and thats why I always believed my relationhsip with C is the last one. Perhaps its all early days yet and I feel quite bitter about the whole ordeal, but its impossible for me to think that I can move on

  • ramadan

    Today is exactly day 15 from ramadan. I haven't really explained what this is and what it means to me. All the major religions have some sort of fasting involved, whether it be giving up something for lent, or some of the hardcore fasting done by the Jains (no food or drink except boiled water for 5 days solid), its considered to be quite an important part of religion or faith.

    So Islam is no different. And this comes in the form of ramadan, absence of food or water or drink from sunrise to sunset for a month. There is a catch though - islam goes by the lunar year, which is 11 days sorter than the solar one. So if you think that ramadan is coming round earlier every year, you're right.

    I believe that this makes islam a fair religion and there is no bias where you live in the world, because although several years ago, ramadan was in december and it was quite easy, I distinctly and painfully remember ramadan being in June and that was very tough. So unless you immigrate to the other side of the world every 35 years or so, you'll get a taste of it all.

    Fasting for muslims is not just simply the absence of food and drink for several hours, it also involves not swearing, being kind and patient to people, giving money to charity, and trying in general to be the best person you can. In a physical sense, I love ramadan because it gives me my annual detox, the body has a chance to recover from the continuous flow of food throughout the year. But fasting has more spiritual levels, when you are without a basic necessity like food, you go into some sort of meditation where you get to appreciate every scrap of food you have. SO the reason why muslims do it is a spiritual and physical cleansing, but its also a reminder that there really are people in this day and age that go without and how hard that must be for them. At the end of ramadan its compulsory to give enough money to charity to feed a family of 4, and you'll want to do that after seeing how hard going without food is. I recommend it.

  • mind games

    plodding on. Just realising its so hard on my own. I had to sort out the garden today, our hedge lines a public path and part of our tenancy agreement says we have to keep it trim. Of course "we" now means "me". So I put N to sleep at 7pm took the baby monitor and started chomping away, in a near starved state because of the fasting... but I did most of it. I hope tomorrow is nice so I can mow the lawn and I'll be as happy as larry.

    But its these mind games that C plays thats what gets me. He was doing it nearly all our marriage, he wouldn't let me tell my family things, or mislead them so that they don't know the truth. hes got some sort of problem with people knowing what hes up to, its not normal. He wouldn't let me tell my parents when I was pregnant because he was convinced that something bad would happen. I eventually told them at 5 months gone, but I had to make them swear not to tell anyone. It didn't go down well.

    ANyway, so hes playing mind games again. I blogged twice this week saying that I suspected that hes gone to Libya, because theres no way he has the money to rent a place out. ANd I just had that feeling. So he sends me an email asking about N, then he says "I might come and visit N this weekend,not sure". ERm, I was quite positive that he was abroad, but when he said that, I started to doubt myself and my suspcious mind. ANyway, I ignored the email and didn't write back. He then called yesterday, as if nothing happened and said he might not come today because he might be travelling to Libya, but he hasn't decided if hes going yet or not. ERm, does he think I'm stupid. I told him straight out to be hoenst with me and he finally admitted that he was in Libya, but he only got there yesterday. THat was another lie, I told him to stop lying as its ramadan and its supposed to be a month of good deeds and reflection, to which he just kept quiet. SO he won't tell me when hes back, but I have the feeling that he will be there for a while. Good, we had a super day today myself and N, although its hard on my own, I do believe its certainly better without him

  • shattered

    Thanks for all the comments on my last blog, I have hardly had a chance to reply to each one individually as I am totally shattered.

    On Monday, I had to go to some team bonding exercise at work, and I still haven't recovered from that. I have to give it to the company that designed the day, it really did help us bond. We had to build a marble run, an egg launcher and solve a murder mystery. We failed with the egg launcher, it launched the egg the oppposite way, but it was a really enjoyable day. We were outdoors all day though, and I am feeling quite tired still. I think once I finish this blog, I am going straight to bed.

    As with the situation with C, I am still quite convinced that he has gone to visit his family in Libya. Its good if he is away, I really am looking forward to a weekend with N, and I am planning lots of things to do, including some arts and crafts. I made a big decision though, I registered myself as separeted with the government and my tax credits, so hopefully I can try to make ends meet. Money has been really tight, and since C is not living with me anymore, I feel totally snowed under. We live in quite a large 3 bed house, and myself and N don't need all this space. But I am stuck here with a very high rent and bills, because we signed a 1 year contract. I think once the year is over, I will find something smaller with N to move into.

  • humph

    its been a hard weekend. And I haven't blogged properly in a while. C and I are still living apart after the fiasco of several weeks ago. We have agreed to "get back together" but only with changes. These changes have not been implemented, and hes still raving like a mad man. The thing is that I don't need to make him look mad, hes doing that all by himself.

    So his latest rantings on... he wants 20,000 from me. He says its "all the money he has spent on my ass". Erm, that was in the first year we were married and it included him paying for food clothes etc.. and I paid for bills and rent. ANd now he wants it back. I am so outraged, mostly because for the last FIVE years, I have spent money on his ass, and not just rent and bills and food, but his bloody university fees which are 3000 a year. What a croc?

    My parents said that under no circumstances am I to give him a penny, I have to remember that, because for peace and quiet, I might just give it to him to get him out my life. But like I said, hes sounding more and more insane, so I am not even trying. ANd another thing he is doing is randomly taping me on his phone video to try and "gather evidence". What a nutter, evidence for what? I didn't do anything?

    So no, we are not living together, I just have to put up with him for 1/2 days a week when he comes in the weekend to see N. And thats enough to totally drive me up the wall.

    However I have a suspicion, its just a gut feeling, but I think hes left the country and gone home to Libya. He never said anything, I have no ticket, but I just have that feeling from little things I have seen. A reciept I just found for 7 boxes of chocolate (one for each of his neices/nephews), suitcase missing, and the fact that he has totally disappeared over the last 2 days. I will blog later to confirm if this is true or not, but I hope he has gone so he can just get away from me.

  • islamic extremism

    Just by reading a post by another blogger.....

    Extremism in any religion or way of life is bad. But its always islamic extremism thats thrust into the limelight. I have never sat at a mosque and heard "anti-west" propaganda, but the last time I sat in a mosque was years ago...

    My only encounter with islamic extremists was during my days at the university of london and there were lots of crackpots there. I used to bump into them when I went to pray, but they gave up on trying to bring me in because they thought I was a lost cause, with my tight jeans and partying ways.... Anyway, I heard lots of stories about them, standing outside campus preaching that homosexuals will go to hell, entering the student bar and telling all the half drunk students that the burning fire of hell is at their door (erm, any good muslim will know that you can't even enter a bar). Anyway, I know from first hand that extremism in islam exists. And my interpretation is that these people have a grudge against the west and perhaps a grudge against life. Because islam makes it clear, and anyone here doubts me, go and read the quran for yourselves... no violence, only in self protection, and if you don't like the place you live becuase you feel you are being discriminated against, then leave, thats your islamic duty.

    Personally, as a conservative british muslim who has lived here for all my life, I feel that its not perfect here, but at least I have the freedom to practise my religion (as do others) without major obstacles. People at work understand that I don't go to social events around alcohol. I am allowed to wear my headscarf. And although its hard, I am allowed to do that still. So I am grateful for that. There are some muslim countries that don't allow women to wear headscarves full stop eg. turkey and other muslim countries that discriminate against women who wear a headscarf like morocco, algeria etc.. so I am happy to be a law abiding muslim.

  • fasts and stuff

    well its the first day of ramadan today. For those who don't know, we as muslims have to fast once a year for 30 days. Basically, no food or drink from sunrise to sunset. I am really feeling the strain with only half an hour to go and I am really tempted to eat N's half eaten banana, but must resist.... it will make me a better person.

    Apart from that, C came over on sunday again to see N. This time, for some reason, he really behaved himself, no shouting, no arguing, no name calling. It was so much bearable. BUT I get suspicious when hes nice like that, so need to be on my guard. He left this morning, and its back to N and me. I think the separation for the time being will be good for us, I still can't make a decision what I want. Its very hard, after all hes done, I should be telling him to get lost, but I can't. Its too complex for even me to explain.

    But apart from that, its funny how I started this blog to vent out my feelings and how much water has passed under the bridge now.

  • capital punishment

    Things with myself and C are still bad. He just drives me mad with his constant arguing. Why can't we just be civil to each other???

    Unfortunately, hes still ranting on about my abortion and how he will reveal all. Hes convinced it wasn't in, and he has said that I should be stoned to death, I'm a "dead woman walking". I just feel he has so much distorted islam, because i know i did something wrong, and I repented, and asked god for forgiveness, and thats should be ok. I am not promiscuous, and have made a real effort to distance myself from my old lifestyle and be more honest and true to myself. Its a good thing hes not god!!

    So unfortunately, I am having to execute my plan. Him revealing my secret is probably going to happen, so I have to set the scene and start the ball rolling. I have already told my sister that he is determined to destroy my repuatation and relationship with my family and that I don't know what he will do next. My father and mother I am bringing more examples of his madness. I just have to make him look like a madman, which is really bad, but what hes trying to do is worse.I feel bad for it, but there is some element of truth in it. He is totally mad. I belive he needs psychological help and I've mentioned this before in my blogs.He suffers from insomnia, lack of appetite and constantly has headaches and back aches. I am not sure if he hears voices in his head, he may do. He won't tell me that though, hes not going to be carted off in a straight jacket.

    I know alot of people reading my blog are horrified about the fact that you can stone people to death over an abortion. But I have to mention that I did have an aborition when I was technically married to my first husband (although legally separated and divorced, and islamic divorce was well underway and we were not living together). But just to clarify, islam is not a brutal religion. These rulings, capital punishment, and cutting peoples hand if they steal etc.. are really aimed for re-offenders, those who have no respect for religion at all and don't see they are doing anything wrong and don't repent. What C is doing is desperate, hes just totally nuts.

  • blossom

    N is blossoming. Shes changing into a little girl before my eyes, and I see so much of myself in her. That is what struck me about being a mother, seeing so much of yourself in your offspring, its quite a shock. Shes learnt this new thing, putting on necklaces and taking it off again. SHe was entertained for 2 hours doing this. I hope she can grow up as a confident young lady, and I hope I am a good enough mother to guide her through that.

    Its funny how the portrayal of muslim women is that they are weak and submissive. I certainly wasn't brought up like that, but again, we are a family of mostly girls and my dad had to ensure we were able to survive in the world. C believes N should be brought up as submissive. I think this will only make her life miserable, and she'll be taken for a ride by any man she meets....

    its funny that when you chose your life partner, you never think of whether you agree or not on parenting.....

    I was talking to someone at work today about fasting and ramadan, and how it is forbidden to fast if you are ill or travelling. He looked at me and said it was lovely to chat to me to find out about islam and how incredibly lenient it is, nothing like the image they portray on tv. Its true, its just a few looney tunes that decide to speak for the rest of us - and who nominated them?

    As you can tell through my ramblings, I just have various things rushing through my brain, but I feel at peace. Tomorrow - bring it on.

  • getting it together

    Its been a good weekend. And an even better bank holiday. I went to my parents over the weekend and had a lovely time. What was even better is they gave me their old vw golf. This will be a massive help for me. My dad put me on the insurance for an additional 33, and he told me to come every weekend and he'll fill it up with petrol for me. Can't be grateful enough, my parents were there for me when I needed it most.

    The only downer is that C wanted me to be back by sunday so he can see N. Well we talked, and he wants to get back together again. I was secretly hoping he would want a divorce.. now I have much thinking to do. We laid down some rules, he agreed to all except one - to set a deadline to finish his PhD. He said it was none of my business whatsoever. ERm, it is my business, I have to work full time because of him, its effecting me too. ANyway, I said nothing will be done unless my parents were present. He was so against that, but I have to be really careful because things could slip back. ANd I have gotten so far, it would be a shame if things slipped back.....

    He also had the cheek to ask me for sexual intercourse last night. I wouldn't normally write such things down, but that made me mad, I refused point blank. He argued he was still my husband and had a right.... I don't think so.


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