Well I am trying to make an effort to blog more, and things are getting better. Its as if C was reading my blog, but it can't be can it??? Can he have discovered my secret? But hes getting better at dealing with the fact that I am at work, and hes going to have to be more hands on. We haven't had any raging rows lately, mostly because I am working all day, so we don't get the chance to.

So there you go, good marriage counselling - get a job, then you see each other less and argue less.

That was my bit of good advice for the day. N is one years old tomorrow and its a huge deal for me, the day she was born and suddenly when she became the most important thing in my life.

And if I am really honest, perhaps that is the main problem with C, hes jealous of that, and thats why he tries to demean me. I know I don't really pay him the attention I used to, and he always comes second, is it my fault, have I brought it on myself? Or is he going to just have to grow up and accept it?

I realise its been long... too long since I last wrote a blog entry. The truth is that I am now back at work at taking more than 13 months maternity leave, and I'm back full time. Little N is in nursery full time, and its heart breaking to leave her there, although judging by how happy she is in the evening, I am guessing that shes happy there.

But I stupidly thought that things will get better with C once I get back to work. THey haven't, they are worse. His insults are getting worse, hes started throwing things at me, not big things, but like tea towels, dish clothes, clothes etc... thrown in anger, aimed for my head. Hes also expecting me to do everything around the house, I wake up, shower, get N ready, fed (I don't eat breakfast myself as I don't have time), then I am out the house at 8am, take N to nursery, work all day, finish at 5pm, pick up N, go home frantically cook her supper, play a little with her, then put her to bed.... then the work begins, I end up cleaning up my mess, and more importantly all the dirty dishes that C has left behind during the day. Yes, you see, C doesn't work. Hes at home all day (surfing the net I persume) why, because he is doing him PhD. Hes been doing it for about 7 years now.....

So I wonder oh I wonder, what the hell am I doing. I think I need I brain transplant, not only do I have to suffer abuse from him, but I have to work and bring in the money, to pay for his crappy university fees which are £3000 a year, and ontop of that all bills etc.... and nursery fees which are quite hefty, and do all the work at home, he still expects me to make him dinner... and why??? WHY??? I keep asking myself that, and I know why, for N. She adores her dad and I don't want to take him away from her. So I suffer away. Oh, I am such a mug, I can't believe how hes just having a cushy life on my expense. Well, I used to give him £1000 allowance every month, and since July that has stopped, no more cushy cushy for him. Time to take a stand!

Well its been a while, a long while since I last wrote. The reasons, N is incredibly mobile now, and I am unable to plop her on my lap and write without having q's and z's after every other letter. Plus, C is around much more now that term has finished and well of course, he doesn't know about this blog and if he found out.......

But as N is getting older, there is one thing that I am beginning to see in her, and that she wants both her mummy and daddy. I think whats best for her is to have both of us around. And ofcourse both of us around not arguing. I am really trying not to argue with C, its very hard as he pushes and pushes then calls me names and I end up getting very angry and moody. THankfully, no vacuum flask incidents from me, I have tried to contain my anger by taking a walk or keeping away from him. However, there was one recent event from C that I think deserves documentation.

I recently added an old male friend of mine as a friend on facebook. I am not sure how C found out about this, my profile is on high security, nobody can find me in a search ( and I am not stupid enough to put C on as one of my friends), but he found out. He went mental. Accused me of having an affair with this guy and called me a slut and all the rest of it.... well anyway, it ended up with him spitting on me. I did really think that it was the end of our marriage, that is obviously what C thinks of me.... but for some reason, he turned round and apologised the next day. We've been muddling through ever since, and I don't really belive that things will get better,although I wish they would.

In anycase, I only have 4 weeks to go until I am back at work. I am going back full time and N is going to nursery full time, so I strongly believe that being away from him for so long will help - if we are not around each other, surely we can't argue?

Well since going to womens aid, theres one thing thats changed, and thats me. I decided I will no longer allow C to be nasty to me, if he dishes it out then he has to get it back, and I've been answering back at every opportunity.

I guess a big part of the problem (and it has gotten worse since N was born) is that myself and C are home together all day. Although when a couple marry they live together, but I do think that a little bit of absence is good for the relationship. Well, I am on maternity leave and so home with the baby all day, and C, well hes still studying, the PhD that has been going on for 8 years now.....

But my answering back has forced him to talk a little more than usual to me (just a little) and he did make a plea to me that touched my heart. I know that our life is difficult, but I think its very difficult for me as I don't only have to do the housework, care for the baby, make food etc, but I have to work and provide for us all, and that pressure is quite intense. He did say he appreciated the fact that I am supporting his studies and he asked me to just wait a little longer until he finishes his PhD and our lives will drastically improve. I am a real sucker, I am not the hard hearted woman I sometimes make myself out to be, but it made me think of our wedding vows to each other. Through better and worse, and this is the worse. Am I too hasty? Should I stick it through and things will get better, or am I just too optomistic. THe lady from womens aid seems to think that I am.....

I hate stereotypes. I hate the media. I hate the fact that women are always portrayed as evil scheming bitches, or weak and influencable creatures, or cheating whores on tv. I mean, just look around on almost every tv channel, women are often the weak ones having affairs, or the ones to mess up a story line. So I don't really blame many men for thinking that women are pathetic creatures. And I hate that.

Theres no convincing C that women are normal human beings, in his eyes women are the nastier race and thats why men are around, to make sure they get up to no wrong. Ofcourse, he assumes that all affairs are the womens fault (we're only men is his excuse) and women always mess it up. I guess when we are portrayed like that on tv, then I don't blame him for thinking that. I think there is not enough positive female role models on tv, and true representations of what women are. But then again, a sensible boff does not make good tv!

I've never blogged about Maddie McCann, but I do quite often think of this little girl and whatever became of her. It just fascinates me how the parents have had this media circus around them, first the media hated them, and now in every paper I come across its the total opposite and they are sympathetic. It just amazes me how the media can turn like that with a little persuasion, and how that can influence public opinion...

But I like to think that I am more of an independent thinker than that. I just think something fishy is going on there with the maddie case, and I do think that the parents are hiding something. I am not sure if they were involved in her disappearance, but I have that gut feeling that they know something they are not letting on.

I know the portuageese police are incompetent, but to disappear like that without a trace... hmmm. ANd if it was part of a big ring of kidnappers, then why not take the young twins, surely they are worth more because they are small and are unlikley to remember anything, instead of taking maddie who is alot older. Just me silly thoughts...

since telling my dad of marital problems, hes been doing my head in with his constant rhetoric. He wants me to quit my job and move close to them in this very tight knit community with very few white people around. Not only am I so happy where I work, at last I am working somewhere I love, but the thought of living near my controlling father scares me.

And theres another reason, I am quite against living in segregated communities. I have blogged before about the problems I have faced living where I am where I am one of the few "forgein looking" people in this area and the racism that I feel towards me and my headscarf. Although I believe we can learn alot from multicultuarilism, I feel that its getting increasingly harder for me to live here and can feel the forces pulling me to my parents side of town. I do believe that eventually its for the best if we stay here, especially for N who needs to be exposed to the real world, not this make believe one my family live in. I don't try to shove islam down peoples throats, but if anyone wants to hear I will talk. ANd I think thats the best way towards tolerism.

There was a programme on channel 4 about immigration: the inconvenient truth, where they commented on segration of communities. I feel it is hard to integrate if people in your area don't accept you, and its essentially peoples attitudes that lead to the integration problems we have today. Just a thought

Its been a while since I last wrote, and with a naughty crawling baby, its been hell finding time getting onto the computer. I finally met with a woman from womens aid last friday. I have to admit, I had to sneak out whilst C was in the mosque, and I was expectin to see a battered old hag who herself suffered domestic abuse. In fact, I was quite surprised, instead I was met with a very lovely and pretty blonde lady, who seemed to know just what kind of a man C was. After a lovely cup of tea (half of which ended up on my jumper thanks to N), I left with lots to think about. I was quite impressed that she even knew about islam and had read the quran in english herself and was aware of the cultural differences. She said I had no option, nothing will change unless C admits he is wrong and seeks help, or I leave. Thats quite a daunting task. She also said that if its hard now, if I left it will be harder, C would never forgive me for leaving him, and he would make my life misery.

After that, I decided to go to the GP and talk to her about it. SHe suggested I try relate, an organisation that deals with relationship problems, and at £40 an hour, they better be good. I feel that we need to see someone together so he can say what he feels is the problem and so can I, and we can come to some sort of compromise, because I am certainly not arrogant enough to belive its all him and I am the perfect angel. The vacuum flask incident was out of order, even after provokation, I should never have let him do that to me, and I should never have lashed out....

In anycase, we have talked - alot, and we feel its better for N that we stay as a family and stop arguing. The first step is the name calling will have to stop. He said that he will do that if I start to respect him more, I said respect is earned and he would have to first proove that he stopped the name calling. Lets see how it goes, it could improve only for the short term, and things may slip back, or things could improve from now on, its difficult to judge.

Sorry I didn't update anyone yesterday, I am sure people would want to know what happened.

I called the hospital in the end, they were there. However they wouldn't tell me what was going on, and said that C would call me later. Ofcourse, C never did. So I called again, and they would not give me any info. SO I had to tell them that N was taken without my permission to the hospital and that I am the mother and needed to know what was going on. They told me then that everything was ok, and no need to worry. Which is what my instinct was when I saw the rash. But I could hear N crying in the background, it was hysterical crying, and I was very very upset that all this was unnecessary. I was just helpless.

But then C came home, and I made a decision no arguing infront of N, and I would tell him later how bad it was that he took N like that with no food or essentials for 4 and a half hours. But he went mad, saying I had no right to call the hospital. I am quite concerned now that by what hes done, the hospital may call social services because firstly it is very odd that a baby should arrive at A&E with no mother, and second with no essentials. If that happens, it may be both a good or bad thing.

But one good thing did happen. My father now knows whats going on, something I have not told him. I told my mother and sister before what C is like, but now my father knows too, and his reaction was that C is mentally ill and needs urgent medical attention. I tend to agree with him, he does have acute paranoia, but now the dilema is how to get him to have this medical attention he so desperately needs. Thinking caps on, but from now until then, there is noway I will ever leave N with him again....

thanks for EVERYONES comments. What he did was because he wanted to get his own back on me. I really felt supported yesterday and you're all stars!

Men. Why is always a game of "trying to get one over you". I just don't understand it. I now know that C only does what he does to get back at me. However, I am now at a turntable, something quite worrying has happened and I am praying its only innocent.

N has had a fever the last three days, its the first time shes had this, but its probably something she picked up from the other kids at the mother and baby group. C of course, blames me, says its all my fault shes ill, my cooking he put it down to. Oh and my lack of hygeine. I must add, I am a scientist, I think I know more about microbes than him, and guess what C, germs don't jump up at you.

In anycase, today, or this morning, N came up with a rash, all over her body and face and ears. So first thing I called the GP. C then woke up, saw her like that and announced hes taking her to the hospital. he asked me to change her, I did, and I handed her to him, whilst I jump into the shower and get ready. What did C do, he went off without me. They have been gone now for 2 hours, not sure why he did that. What really upsets me more, is that he took no food, no nappies, no change of clothes, no drink/milk, not even her teddy or dummy. I am just praying shes ok as it is time for her to have some food. I called my dad (who is a doctor) and he was very annoyed that he took her to A&E, especially as this service is for emergencies and that is not an emergency. The GP would have been far better as GPs come across all these things very regularly. I tried to call, hes not answering the phone.

Now the devil is whispering in my ear, perhaps hes carried out his threat of taking her away from me? I checked, I still have her passport and have moved it to an even safer place. He wouldn't really do that would he? he is a bit pyscho, but I am not sure whether I should pick up the phone and call the police just yet, perhaps I will call the hospital first and see whats going on. Will keep you all updated