I know I said that this would be my last entry, however the events of last night has prompted me to have another special entry today. We were supposed to be going away for the Christmas vacation to his HIS family in Libya. Hmmmm…. I think I changed my mind.

You see, I will sort of track the events that lead to yesterdays outburst so I can be sure of the facts myself!

So, as we are travelling and have a fair bit to travel, I thought it would be good to take some emergency food with me for the baby. So I bought some pre-made organic baby rice with apple and mango JUST for emergencies.  So C came back home and saw the baby rice in my bag. He sort of went mad, why did I have to buy baby rice, I told him it was for the journey. He said he TOLD me not to buy baby rice, as its probably got lots of chemicals in it, I said I agree however this was JUST for emergencies. He ordered me to take it back to Tesco. I said no, if the baby is hungry en route, what do I do?  He went into a fit of rage saying I do not obey him (where I reminded him yet again that I only obey Allah and not a mere mortal like himself). He then removed the apple and mango baby rice and stomped on it with his foot (erm whilst he was holding the baby).

AND then he told me that it was my fault, I made him do that, and for me to clean it, as it was my job. Ahem, I told him that he can clean his own mess up, its nothing to do with me, and eventually he did (when he realised the carpet would stain and we would loose our deposit from the agent!!)

Bonus today, two blogs in one. THats because I am off for the christmas vaccation soon, so gotta fit in what I want to say.

I want to talk about Sharia law and why I think its the best kind of system that you can have. Not that I think Britain should have one, but in general the ones that exist. Sharia law is meant to be a divine law and treats everyone equally. And I think thats true. However, I also think that its impossible for us as humans to implement it correctly, which is why it looks corrupt. So in conclusion, I do think that its the best system, however, I don't think that humans could implement it, so it should not be implemented. All it acheives to do is make muslims look bad. And thats not what being a muslim is. I am quite happy living here as a muslim, I am a law abiding citizen, I pay my taxes and work hard. There are things that are "legal" but I consider to be "illegal" (like drinking alcohol and promiscuity) but I am not forced to do either of these things so I abstain. I don't believe that Britain is democratic. I don't think the US is democratic either. I don't think any place is democratic, so what if I have the right to vote? Numbers and statistics are all skewed and twisted at the end of the day and do we really get our say? Is it really a free world? No its not.

Things are now getting better with C. I think its because term has finished and hes alot less stressed. Anyway, I want to talk about my past, and my present how this all changed once I got married.

I used to be called by my PhD supervisor a social butterfly. Thats because I was soooo outgoing. I still observed my islamic faith, however, I was very popular had lots of friends. Was always invited to parties and such. However, then I met C. Like I said before we met, fell in love married, however he started to demand that I change. Hmmmm, ok, so I went along with it at first....

First step, to stop wearing jeans and trousers. Ok that was easy. Next step, give up your friends.

Thats a difficult one, my friends who have been loyal to me all these years, I just have to give up because C doesn't approve. So one by one, after C critising all of them, I had to let them go. So you see, I have gone from being this extrovert to being an introvert over a period of 7 years. Can you really change someones personality like that? Thats why I don't really have friends to talk to and my blog is my release. C wants me to have friends that he selects for me (good girls that I should inspire to...). Hmmmm, I'm not sure about that, like I said in my previous blogs, these muslims girls are not all they seem to be... In anycase, such is my life.

I tried to initiate a conversation the other day with C, and we talked about suicide bombers. To be totally honest, I can see in places like palestine why it happens, the sheer desperation of their situation makes people become suicide bombers, but as I tried to argue with C, suicide bombing is against islam and its not right.

He disagreed with me, he thought that if there is such a strong army (i.e. like the US) against people that have nothing except a few guns, then it is very likely that the people will be killed. Therefore, being a soldier in these situations is almost like suicide anyway, so why not inflict the most damage...

I disagree. I think its an unfair war tactic, so if the US chooses to play unfair, why does everyone else have to? Isn't that a naive point of view. Yet another point we disagree on.... I wonder, when we met there was so much we had in common, but it doesn't seem so anymore....

Anyway, I am totally against suicide bombers, suicide in islam is forbidden (knowingly going to kill yourself), so thats it. There are no exceptions to this at all. If you want to fight as a soldier, then thats permissible, but with fighting there is a chance you might survive, but with a suicide belt that works, there is 0% chance you will survive and its forbidden to do that. Maybe i have these views because I have been brought up here and would consider myself more western. I think most muslims share my point of view on this....

I am back on the subject of C again. I did realise from my last blog that people were very quick to say that my husband C is a bully, but perhaps its the otherway around? Perhaps I am an intolerable person to live with? Perhaps my personality just drives C up the wall and sparks fly. Its very difficult to be logical about our situation when emotions are involved, and to see what the problem really is and who is to blame. C says that I am a scatterbrain, I drop things and leave things lying around, I am awkward, I don't listen to him (well in matters of motherhood, I won't listen to him, I think I know how to breastfeed better than he does????) In my defense, I believe C has a short temper, he easily looses it, but then he easily forgets about it all too.

Just some of the reasons what sparks a raging argument:

1) I set off the smoke alarm when making dinner
2) I left the vacuum cleaner in the hall way while I went to attend to the baby
3) I put his clothes away in the drawer (I don't nag him to do it, I just do it myself)
4) I washed his clothes without him asking me to (don't get me wrong - but wouldn't men love a woman who just gets on with things without asking or nagging??? Maybe I am wrong)
5) I wouldn't let him read my emails
6) I wouldn't let him read an email his sister sent me
7) I lied to him (I told him his sister never got in touch with me when she did - that was only because if I told him that he would want to read her emails and she didn't want me to show them to him!)

Maybe I just need to do something really big! Then all these things will seem so petty (because they are to me) and he'll stop going mad over them! Just a thought

Lets change the mood slightly - I thought my last entry was quite depressing......

A few months ago (or maybe longer than that) there was this big issue about women covering their faces and how oppressive it is. Oh how I laughed and laughed - oppressive? How could anyone say that! As I will go on to explain, its actually quite liberating.

I am a muslim woman, but have never covered my face. Although I might if I went to a society that does it, like the emirates or saudi arabia just so that I don't stand out. However, I know lots of women that do cover their faces. Although I would say that some do it because they genuinly believe that they need to, the vast majority of those that do cover their faces is because it makes them the invisible (wo)man.

Imagine, walking around and seeing all but nobody can really see you?? Although physically, people can see you, they can't really see who you are. Lots of muslim women use the veil as a way to sneak around and see their boyfriends or go out when they are not allowed to by their parents, and nobody would know who they were. One woman told me that she was actually in a car with her boyfriend, fully veiled, and they stopped in a traffic light. The car next to her was her father and he looked over at her, but didn't recognise her at all. She thought it was frightfully funny that her father looked straight at her but didn't know that she was with her boyfriend - and if he ever knew she had a boyfriend then he would kill her. So you see, so many women use this veil as a means to do "naughty things" without getting caught. Oppressive?

I am sorry to use someone elses loggin name for the title of my blog, but I thought it described my most recent entry the best....

Its been a hard few days, I don't deny that. I've tried to my best to be patient, to seek refuge in allah so I don't say nasty things to C, but its difficult to keep quiet when you've got all sorts of nasty abuse hurled at you. But I think I did well, I've kept my head low and mouth shut so not to provoke him further. But that didn't really stop him, he still went back to call me a bad mother, accussed me of yet another affair, and worse of all, he said that I should just kill myself, nobody really wants me around.

Well, these words brought me back to some sad and dark days years ago, where the way I used to cope with the abuse of C is to harm myself. See, I am just a normal person although I am muslim, and i have never admitted this to anyone. C knew about it, but he just used to say "see that confirms that you truely are a nutcase!". But he didn't understand that he used to make me feel so bad about myself that I just used to hate myself and the only escape was to slash my arms with broken glass. I don't do that anymore. I just decided that this was not the way to cope with grief and pain (erm, which is why in someways I am choosing to write). I don't want sympathy, but if anyone out there is in an abusive relationship themself, you're not alone, no matter what colour or religion we are, humans all have the same problems that go around in circles.