Thanks for everyones comments the other day with my post hatred, I can see that there are lots of varied views. I don't think that people should hold back here in fear of upsetting anyone, this is the whole point of a blog to express yourself, no?

I've been thinking a while now about arranged marriages, not the forced ones which girls (and boys actually) are made to marry against their will, but when parents, friends and relatives seek to find another a husband/wife. I have very mixed feelings about this topic, I can really see both sides to it. My marriage to C was not arranged, we met fell in love etc.... but I have a confession, my marriage to C is not my first, I was married before. I was very young, only 17 in fact when my parents told me that a cousin wanted to marry me, and that he was a nice guy blah blah blah. I was young, and naive, and growing up in britain as a teenager was tough, we weren't allowed boyfriends, and all my friends were well into the dating scene. So I agreed. The catch is that he lives in Canada, but I headed out there.

So from my experience of arranged marriages, I realised very quickly I had nothing in common with this man. He had massive problems in his life, he always thought that he should never be alive and was certain he would die before he was 30. Looking back now, he had chronic depression and from the news feeds I get about him, he still does. I just started university, where I have to say I started to mix with all walks of life and my personality started to change. I came across as a very strong minded woman (which my father knew) and thats why he thought I would be a good match with this guy, he was very weak, and "needed a strong woman to prop him up". I guess I wasn't having any of that, so in less than a year I packed my bags and went home. I enrolled myself at uni in the UK, and the rest is history. So from my experience, I swore never to go through that again....

However, my sister went through the arranged marriage way. She went to university, got a job, and never met anyone she wanted to marry. So my parents did the same again, and I guess shes happy. In addition to that, I have many female friends (35+) totally aware that their biological clocks are ticking and are desperate to find someone to father their children. I guess in these situations, I can see how an arranged marriage is something that will help these women. I think that with an arranged marriage you have to go into it with a special frame of mind, never to expect the passion or the intense feeling of being in love. Its a contract, a sort of "you do me a favour and I'll do you one" kind of situation of two people wanting to start a family and to have some companionship.

To conclude my little story, my divorce from my first husband saw the gradual decline of my relationship with my parents. They see it that I brought shame onto the family by divorcing a relative. I blame my father for setting me up with someone I had nothing in common with, and whilst I was so young. But nothing really deteriorated our relationship more than my marriage to C, but thats another story for another day.

It does exist in the UK, although many people will deny this and others may be unaware of this. But there is a real hatred towards muslims here. For some reason, people think that we want to change everyone to be muslims. From my point of view, it seems the opposite. As Condaliza Rice put it, they want to "re-shape" the middle east and their views - this re-shape means installing a so called democracy, and this so called democracy means the middle east needs to let go of its muslim old fashioned views. Why do the Americans always have to tell other countries what to do?? Why can't they just leave people alone.

I've sort of diverged here, but from my personal experiences, there are some people who hate muslims. I've been spat at, shouted at and called Bin Laden on several occasions since 9/11. Its not nice and to be honest I have been in situations where I have been terrified to leave my home after dark (when it all seems to get much worse especially if alchol is added into the equation). I can't get through customs without being looked at suspiciously, without being searched, without being asked if I am carrying explosives, without all the initimate details of my luggage being thrown out for the world to view. I've been interrogated at passport controls at airports, why I went where I did, why that hotel, who did I see blah blah blah, then at the end of this all, when I turn around and ask why am I being treated like this, they said I "fit a profile", i.e my headscarf is a dead giveaway that I'm a muslim. It never was like that. I'm sure that without a headscarf I would pass as a native english person, but I don't...

Where we live there are no muslims, I'm one of those people who chose to live where I do because its close to work. I'm always friendly at the neighbours and go to all the mother and baby groups, and most people are friendly back. But some people just scorn at me. THey don't scorn at C, its just at me, even when I give them a smile and a hello, they give me a dirty look. Yesterday, one of the neighbours decided that it would be fun to hit our car with a baseball bat and leave a large dent in the bonnet. THis is not the first act of vandalism towards us, we've had mud thrown at our door, and this is the third act of vandalism on our car in the 18 months we've been here. And I know its all because of me.

I didn't fast yesterday, after the events of Monday, I thought it was best I had a clear mind. But I still feel very shocked at what happened. C and myself are still not on speaking terms, but N seems to be getting over it, she was her giggly self today and ofcourse I have been showering her with love, as she so rightly deserves.

But when I feel down, I always seem to turn to food, infact chocolate. I don't know what it is with chocolate, I have been known to binge on it, but I did head off the tescos and bought myself a chocolate muffin and a bar (a big bar) of chocolate. I then felt guilty, mostly because as N is now 6 months, I need to loose the pregnancy weight and get back into my normal (not maternity) clothes. So I skipped dinner and breakfast and lunch to compensate, and havne't touched the stuff since!! I used to keep myself very fit and trim when I was a student, I was known around town as the "scarfie jogger" I would just jog around town in my headscarf and baggy clothes, but C promptly put an end to that, like many things I enjoyed pre marriage. I think he was getting worried that I was fitter than him, I did used to outrun him, and he didn't like that much. why does everything have to be a competition for him?

After sleeping on it, I feel totally betrayed by me for behaving like that yesterday. I know that C calls me those names and taunts me to provoke me, I usually just keep quiet but yesteday I just lashed out and that was exactly what he wanted. I've been trying to avoid him all day today, and luckily he went to the library to study. I am trying to work out what is the best possible option available to me. I am beginning to feel that the rest of our lives will be like this, him trying to provoke me until I one day break and that is not good, especially for little N who witnessed it all yesterday. A part of me thinks, just find somewhere else to live and take N and move out. Is that really the best thing? Or perhaps I just need some time away from C and should go and stay with my parents for a few days.

But one thing I know for sure is that whatever little bit of feelings I may have had for C don't really exist anymore. I don't feel anything for him at all, just pity really that he feels the need to pick on a woman. I feel sorry for N who is stuck in the middle of all this. I'd like to thank the people that read my blog for their kind words. Its true I don't really have anyone to turn to in such times, but that will be the subject of another blog.

I decided to fast today, no food and water from sunrise to sunset. Although admittedly I didn’t wake up at sunrise to eat anything so my fast was from dinner the night before to sunset. Fasting is really good for the soul, theres something that hunger does to you, it makes you more focussed or less focussed depending on what kind of person you are.

So its about 3pm, and the hunger was starting to kick in. I decided to take N to the supermarket to pick up some food for the evening, to which C started off again about no I can’t go and he will go. He didn’t go, so then he came down and said I should go afterall. I was just about to leave - I don’t really know what provoked it but we started to have another argument. I was just so fed up of keeping quiet, this time I decided to answer back. Maybe it was the hunger that made me loose focus and control of my tongue. So he started again, I was a bad mother, not capable to look after N, I told him to but out, childcare was my business and for him not to interfere. He went on and on, all the nasty words came out of his mouth, again what I slut I am, and how I “tricked him” to marry me (erm…. It was him chasing after me… but funny how he forgot that). In anycase, I tried to take N off him, and he wouldn’t let me and I was chasing him up the stairs, he confronted me half way up and started to push me and told me to get out the house. I had to hang onto the banister, and he started off at one again. I then decided enough was enough, I needed some time away from him. So I started to pack my bags some clothes for myself and N. That seemed to provoke him more, he tried to grab my bags. At this point - I totally lost it. I hit him over the back with a vacuum flask. I’m quite ashamed at myself that I did that, especially as he was holding N, but I don’t know I just saw red and hit out. I think the hungry state I was in didn’t help. I was so disgusted with myself, I just left the house and cried for ages. I didn’t mean to do that, but I just lost all my self control. Anyway, I came back after an hour and he started off at me again, calling me a psycho, a bad mother and all that stuff all over again. I just feel numb at present, I guess it all happened not too long ago and my emotions are running high too.

I was listening to an islamic sermon the other day, where they were using extracts from the quran and religious texts to describe what hell would be like.

Its funny when we tell people about hell, we always point downwards and think its somewhere in the ground. Well, as I was listening to this, my mind started to wander. So some of the descriptions of hell according to the quran is:
- it will be about 50x hotter than anything on the earth
- hell contains large flames about 50 metres big that will engulf people
- it will never burn out

couldn't that be the sun? Could the sun be hell? Could it be that once the universe stops expanding it contracts then we will be very close to the sun and that will be the hell that everyone describes? Just a silly thought.... (please don't ask me what heaven will be....)

God I hate that word. I really do. Us muslims are always being critised for not integratting, whatever that means. Ok, so my parents do live in an area with "other muslims of their kind", but that doesn't mean we don't integrate. I know with myself, the majority of my friends throughout my life have been non muslims, infact my best friend as we were growing up was a strict CoE christian, and to be honest we had so much more in common than not (no sex before marriage, not to lie, not to cheat etc....). But even my family, who live in an area where there are not many classical english people are not that bad, we have non muslim friends, we have non muslim neighbours. And are the muslims the only culture guilty of sticking together? Surely not. Walk through Cricklewood in london and you'll find all the Irish living there, stroll through Hendon/Golders Green in London and you'll find streets upon streets of Jewish communities living close by, and wander through southall and you'll find the sikh communities packed like sardines. Nobody tells them to integrate?

Sorry I have been away for so long. Firstly, would like to wish everyone seasons greetings. I was away for the christmas period in Libya to visit the in laws (the first time they see baby 'N'), and all in all it was ok.

Things are better with myself and C, you see its a divine circle that we as muslims go through. As I have to listen to my husband and do what he tells me to do, my husband in turn has to listen to his mother and do what she tells him to do. So if you keep the mother in law sweet, its actually fascinating to watch. To see C, a bully here in the UK turn to putty in front of his mother is just hilarious to watch. She pulls his ears and tells him off, and warns him that if he does anything to me, there will be more of that to come and watching him just say "yes mum"... well its quite funny. So although on the outset it does look like that women are oppressed, as a mother to a son, you actually have the ultimate power in Islam. Luckily for me, my mother in law loves me to bits, so its always nice to be there as C treats me very well.