I am sorry for the long absence, its been a tough couple of weeks. After pushing C into a corner and giving him an ultimatum, he decided that he wanted us back. He didn't call for about 2 weeks of me staying with my parents, and I made the first move (again). We had an argument, I did say that he was a hypocrite, for saying he loved N and was the better parent out of the two of us, and when it came to the crunch he ignored her (and me) for two weeks. In anycase, I then told him if he wanted me back he would have to come and get me. He got into a huff and puff and said that I left and I had to come back. But the next day, he turned up at my parents house....

I had a truely lovely two weeks away with my family, and managed to do some serious mending of broken bridges whilst I was there. I didn't tell my parents what happened, they knew something was wrong and I told my sister some snipets, and it was good to know that they were there for me.

So all in all, I am in a much better frame of mind, and ready for more blogs!!!!

We as humans, are social creatures. I do not believe that its "normal" to isolate ourselves, and when we do feel isolated, we get depressed and down. We live in communities, work as teams, so I refuse to believe it when peopls say that they prefer to be alone. C is a loner. He has hardly any friends, only 2 really, and always tells me he loves being on his own. I always feel lonely on my own, I love having ahouse full of people. But thats just how different we are.

I think its C personality, he cannot trust people and finds it difficult to have friends. I believe now he demands too much from him friends and thats why he doesn't have any. This is also reiterated with me. I was very social, and had lots of friends, but they had to go, one by one by orders of C. Now I am here in London, I have tried to re-kindle relationships with my old friends, and thats the good thing about a good friend, they are always there for you.

I'm still in London, not a word from C. He hasn't even called to ask about his daughter which demonstrates to me that he hates me more than he loves her. I called him this morning and left a message on his voicemail, lets see what the reply will be, but I am not really sure what my next step is. I have started to accept that perhaps this could be the end of our marriage, and what I would do next. Most probably move near my family and start anew, for the second time. But it seems such a shame on poor N....

Well, I am now with my parents, much much happier here, and been busying my time catching up with old frinds and family that i have sort of neglected for years because of C. My dad picked me up on saturday, and C made sure we wasn't around to see him. I don't know why, I think hes secretly scared of my father. But for the three days I have been here now, Ihaven't heard a word from C. I thought that he would at least call to see how his daughter was, but nothing. Its not that I want him to call, just trying to decipher for myself what kind of a person he is when made to be put under pressure.

Apart from that, N seems to be a happy ducky and is quite thrilled at playing with new toys (which were incidentally MINE when I was a baby - my mother never throws anything away). I haven't told my parents there is a problem, I don't want them to worry and to make our problems public (although its public here but thats ok, nobody knows who I am!!). I did leave C a note before I left apologisin for hitting him, but I told him I felt I was provoked and that we need to talk about our marriage in a calm way. I don't know if he got it or not, but now I sort of kick myself, as its always me who has to make that first move and it makes me appear weak. Although, when I wrote it I thought I was being mature... I don't know...

I don't usually write about current affairs, but I thought it would be nice to comment on this one.

I quite like Rowan Williams, the archbishop of canterbury. I like him because he comes across as an educated and well read man. He is softly spoken and he brings across his arguments well. He reminds me of my neighbours as I was growing up, also strict CoE christians who were very good to us (and still are) and we consider ourselves one big family. They were very understanding about islam, they respected our beleifs and we certainly respected theres.

So this new comment by Rowan Williams was quite odd. That the government should consider a sharia law. Its also quite vague, sharia law is quite complex and covers many things from wills/hereditry, right down to murder, which parts should the government think about? If its the rulings on marriage, divorce, custody of children, then I think about 90% of muslims, although abide by the law and get their civil marriages and divorces done, consider this only a formality, the main verdict is the religious ruling - to which there already is a sharia council in britain that many of us turn to. There was incidentally a television programme on channel 4 about this a few days ago. I guess just like christians want a church wedding so their vows are taken before god, we also want the same, although we can't sign the register in the mosque so have to have a second civil ceremony.

I have posted before about sharia law and why I don't think its a good idea. However, there are rulings and laws that muslims follow, that don't necessarily contradict british law. As the british muslim population is growing, should these really be taken into account. I am still not sure about this topic, and haven't made up my mind if its a good idea or not. I'm sure many of you will have lots to say about the matter!

After I finished my post last night, I went to bed. Just as I was drifting off, C came up stairs and turned on all the lights. I know he was just doing that to piss me off. Then he left the landing stairs on and went downstairs, where he kips for the night - on the sofa. I waited for about 5 minutes, then turned the light off myself. ANd he came storming up, "why do you have to close the light, did you turn in on!". Well, I said, its disturbing me and N, its late and its time to sleep. he then turned the light on, and I turned it off again. THen he accused me for wanting to start a fight. I told him why doesn't he just go to bed, downstairs on the sofa where he deserves to be. He then said that I was a fat blob, and that he would never sleep in the same bed as me...

I cried myself to sleep last night, with the realisation that this man really doesn't care about me at all. From crazyrainbows comments yesterday, its true, he critises everything I am, my looks, my personality and he wants all that to change. If I am honest with myself, he can't really slept in "our bed" since before I had N, only on odd occasions when hes feeling frisky and no matter how exhausted I am (or not in the mood) then I have to comply. Its quite a sad situation for me to believe that I thought I met someone who loved me for who I was, and then realising that he doesn't, he just wants me to be the way he wants me to be, no regards for me as a human being. I woke up this morning thinking that on Saturday, when my dad comes to pick me up, I think I will stay indefinately with them, until things get better, as I don't really want to be here anymore facing this human being everyday, and being told everyday what an awful person I am.

Its wednesday today, the day I usually take N out to our local mother and baby group. All this week, C has been at home all day, I haven't really been able to be myself with N, as he always buts in and doesn't let us play. Anyway, I hate it when hes home, he just gives me the "evils" all day (as my little sister would put it!). I don't know why he doesn't get up and go to the library and study, its my firm belief now that he doesn't really want to finish this PhD that he started 7 years ago. Maybe he knows that if he finishes there will be a lot of pressure for him to get a proper job and enough of me financing him....

Anyway, gone off the subject, so at 2pm, I got N dressed and off we went to mother and baby, had a fantastic time as she was loving all the toys there and was eyeing them greedily. I got back home around 4:30pm and C was furious. He said that if I go out doing my whore-ish things then I should not take N with me. I thought it was best to exercise some self restraint and kept my big mouth shut. I thought to myself, ok, next time I go out and go on a whore-ish spree, I'll make sure that N isn't with me, although I can't seem to remember when the last time I did that was, nor do I intend doing that in the future.

I did try and talk to him again yesterday, I said we needed to talk, he just huffed and puffed and said there was nothing to talk about, then added I needed to see a psychologist (I did go to counselling many years ago incidentally when he first started to behave like this and the counsellor said that its him who needs to come not me....). I haven't told him that I will be going to stay with my parents for a few weeks, I think I'll tell him nearer the time. My father has volunteered to come and get me, since I am not allowed to drive "his" car that I paid for and continue to finance.

..... should be one of the spice girls the way shes advocating girl power. Perhaps she should be called "frumpy spice".

I know I haven't written in a while. There are so many thoughts going through my head that I am afraid when I write it all down it will all be an incomprehensible mishmash. Its been 2 weeks since the vacuum flask incident, and myself and C are still not speaking to each other except for the minimal basics. I tried to talk to him today, to ask him what he wanted, to resolve this, to separate, but I got no response. Well, I have decided that perhaps we need some time apart, and I have arranged to go and stay with my parents for a few weeks. They don't know whats going on, but they are thrilled to be having their eldest grandchild over, and its good for me to have a break and build some bridges between myself and them, and perhaps try to contact some dear old friends who I haven't been in touch with since C has forbidden me to.

The best thing about not speaking to C is that at least there have not been any more arguments infront of N. I have decided that I will never argue with C infront of her again, I really don't want her to grow up as a disturbed child because of this. I don't know how many people reading this have actually come from families with parents who argue infront of kids, but I am sure its not nice, and its the kids who suffer.

I am quite against using N as a pawn in our feud. Even though her father and I are not on speaking terms, I always speak fondly of him infront of her, and encourage her to go to her daddy and give him a cuddle. However, the story is not the same vice versa, and C always finds any opportunity to tell N that her mother is a bad person and a bad mother, and encourages her to stay away from me. This breaks my heart, but I know in the long run that he will be the looser in all this. Nobody likes to be told that their mother/father is bad, and I am sure when she realises whats going on, she might resent him for calling her mother names. Well thats what I am hoping for, unless ofcourse she listens to what he says and does grow up hating me. And that would be so painful...