Once in a life of a muslim woman....

I don't claim to know everything, but if I am not sure about something, I am sure not to claim that I am right and put my point across. It surprises me how people can be so sure they are right when they have never heard the other side of the story, or be willing to read around to make sure they are right. I hate people like that.

What brings this on... I'm back on the subject of islam again. I can understand how a lot of people can be ignorant about islam, especially if you are not a muslim and it could all seem a little weird. But what really annoys me is when muslims are ignorant about islam. I read an article in the BBC a few months ago about how the story of the three little pigs is going to be banned in schools because it would be deemed offensive to muslims. What the hell is all that about??? Erm, if any muslim bothered reading the quran, then its only eating pigs meat that is forbidden. Pigs are a creature created by god, its so wrong to shun them. I know that with my little daughter we always sing "this little piggy went to market" every morning, I can't really see whats wrong with that. And nothing wrong with pigs, only not to eat them...

I guess calling someone a pig is offensive in islam. Well, its bloody offensive in every other culture aswell last time I checked. I know if I called my boss at work a pig, I wouldn't get a hug. Muslims, get a life!

Enough depressing posts about my awful life (well for now). I'd like to talk about one of my closest friends, charlotte, or lottie. Now from all the friends I have, C hates Lottie the most. Lottie is an american. We met when we were both doing our PhDs in Oxford, and although we hated each other at first, we soon became good friends, after we worked together on a project. Lottie is the opposite of me. Shes born to a luthern minister in the states and shes a party-a-holic. Shes blonde, bubbly, very attractive and has slept with more guys than I can name. Ithink all the guys in our department had slept with her, if not all then most. In anycase, we talk about religion and morals and all the rest, but she still remains a friend of mine. And one of my best friends as such. We respect each others views and focus on the things we have in common.

Now there is a reason that C hates Lottie, not only because she is an example of a sucessful woman (and C really is a sexist), but he thinks that when me and Lottie meet, we are lesbian lovers. I don't know where he got this from, but hes sort of right, there is this strong attraction between myself and Lottie, although we certainly haven't done anything that would make anyone think we were lesbians!! I think the feeling is mutual, I have told Lottie that C thinks that there is something going on between the two of us and in her carefree american way, she does laugh it off. ANd I can't help it, but there is something that attracts me to her. But I haven't acted on that, and neither has she, and we are both from religions that strongly object to homosexuality......

In Islam, like the three major religions, homosexuality is a sin. I am not sure how I feel about it, I have befriended many homosexuals in my time, and I don't hate them and certainly wouldn't want anything bad from them. I have worked with gay men, and at Oxford, I was in a womans college, and there were lots of lesbian women there! Gay people say they can't help it, they are born like that. From the gay people I have known, there are certain things I have noticed, they have very high sex drives, and get bored very quickly with partners. Perhaps exploration of different sexual partners is what makes people gay. I am not sure. In the quran, the story of soddom and gommorah comes up too, but it doesn't refer to homosexuals as "homosexuals" it refers to them as "men who go with other men". Does that mean its ok for women to go with other women, I have often wondered that. I mean, I have to cover my head and body from other men, but I don't have to cover from other women. I wonder.

The second thing that C always talks about is my friend Lee. Whilst I was at uni, Lee was one of my closest friends, and he was one of the best friends I ever had. I thought he was quite cool, and he thought I was really brainy, and we were inseperable. Nothing ever happened with Lee, he wasn't goodlooking, but over the years, I did start to fall for him for what he was. Just before I agreed to go out with C for the first time, I did ask Lee if there was any chance that anything could develop between us, and he said no. so we stayed friends and things developed with C.

C now believes that Lee was really my boyfriend. He has come up with this story in his head that I was seeing Lee until recently. After things with C and myself got serious, C ordered me never to speak to have contact with Lee again, and I did what he wanted. But C still insists that I was seeing lee behind his back. He also believes that I was sleeping with him and it was Lee that got me pregnant not C. C has acute paranoia!

I feel bad at the way I treated Lee, he was a good friend to me and I always wished for that chance to apologise to him. I feel at times that I was too hasty to marry C, and that I gave up some very good friends because of him, and I totally don't think it was all worth it. But I made that decision, and i have severed so many friendships because of C, that I feel at times there is no going back. Alas.

We have a saying in Islam, a man and woman (who are not related) cannot be in the same room alone together.Otherwise the third person present is the devil, and all sorts of stuff can happen (need I spell it out???)

I guess to some extent, I do believe in this. I think temptation is a very strong thing. The reason why I do believe in this is that it has happened to me.

I am not a promiscous person, I've only ever had two sexual partners, both my husbands. Although I have had a quick kiss behind the bush with two boys from school - it never went further than that. I have never done anything else which isn't sex with any other man....

But, there was a time, when I first met C that there was a strong attraction between the two of us. We started to see each other, and he would come over, and then things got more serious and more physical. I did sleep with C whilst I was not married and a result of which I got pregnant and had to have an abortion. You see, I am not perfect, I can't tell people not to be the perfect muslim as I wasn't, and I regret what happened. I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life, but I should have listened to the fact that me and C should never have been in the same room together in the first place....

And this is a big problem in our relationship today, in every argument, C calls me a murderer for having that abortion, and even saying that that baby was not his. I've never told anyone this before, except C, and its been hard for me to write this. I guess I am paying now for this mistake...

Well, since yesterday, I was looking on the net, and I found a website relating to a muslim womans helpline. I called them and spoke to a lovely scottish lady. In short, she told me it was totally wrong for any man to question the fidelity of his wife, its so against islam (erm I knew that already...) She said I had to think about my daughter and how her growing up knowing her father calls her mother names will influence her. It won't be good for her. SHe seemed to think a long term separation might do us good....

After that, I decided to call my mother. I started to tell her somethings, I was in tears. And her advice shocked me. She told me to put up with it for my daughters sake. She also told me to totally ignore him, as you would ignore a child who throws tantrums. I know my mother doesn't like C, I thought she would have said leave him, but her reaction surprised me. Think she comes from the old school thinking that women just have to put up with that.

She also gave me a fantastic peice of advice, that I think I will take to my grave. She said that if I make myself ill by worrying about C and how he makes me feel (i.e high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes) there will be noone to look after me and help me, I will be alone. So for the sake of your health, just let his comments wash over you. I felt better after talking to my mother, and sure enough when he came home that evening, I just let it all wash over me and I felt good also. Thanks mum.

I know I have been absent for a while, but I really felt good after coming back from my parents. Not in the least, I managed to build up some of my relationship problems with my mother and sister, and I managed to see some very old and dear friends and re-build my contact with them. However, I did come back with a sceptisism, to see if things really will change. Unfortunately they haven't.

Leopards cannot change their spots. C's aggression towards me if anything is getting worse. His accusations of my "sluttishness" (his words not mine) are getting worse. He has made up some story in his head that I was having an affair at the very start of our marriage. I am quite shocked at what he has to say and staying quiet most of the time, but its a worrying turn. My attention is now focussed towards N. Will she be treated the same when she gets older? Will her father be nasty towards her because I am her mother? I fear yes.

I gave C an ultimatum last night. It has to stop - stop calling me a slut all the time, stop bringing up the name of Lee (I will explain all this later) and to stop brining up the abortion I had many years ago (will explain later too....) That didn't stop, so now I need to consider what to do. I think I will contact an imam from a mosque to get some advice. I know my parents will always be there for me, and thats reassuring. But I need to act with my brain now not my heart....