since telling my dad of marital problems, hes been doing my head in with his constant rhetoric. He wants me to quit my job and move close to them in this very tight knit community with very few white people around. Not only am I so happy where I work, at last I am working somewhere I love, but the thought of living near my controlling father scares me.

And theres another reason, I am quite against living in segregated communities. I have blogged before about the problems I have faced living where I am where I am one of the few "forgein looking" people in this area and the racism that I feel towards me and my headscarf. Although I believe we can learn alot from multicultuarilism, I feel that its getting increasingly harder for me to live here and can feel the forces pulling me to my parents side of town. I do believe that eventually its for the best if we stay here, especially for N who needs to be exposed to the real world, not this make believe one my family live in. I don't try to shove islam down peoples throats, but if anyone wants to hear I will talk. ANd I think thats the best way towards tolerism.

There was a programme on channel 4 about immigration: the inconvenient truth, where they commented on segration of communities. I feel it is hard to integrate if people in your area don't accept you, and its essentially peoples attitudes that lead to the integration problems we have today. Just a thought

Its been a while since I last wrote, and with a naughty crawling baby, its been hell finding time getting onto the computer. I finally met with a woman from womens aid last friday. I have to admit, I had to sneak out whilst C was in the mosque, and I was expectin to see a battered old hag who herself suffered domestic abuse. In fact, I was quite surprised, instead I was met with a very lovely and pretty blonde lady, who seemed to know just what kind of a man C was. After a lovely cup of tea (half of which ended up on my jumper thanks to N), I left with lots to think about. I was quite impressed that she even knew about islam and had read the quran in english herself and was aware of the cultural differences. She said I had no option, nothing will change unless C admits he is wrong and seeks help, or I leave. Thats quite a daunting task. She also said that if its hard now, if I left it will be harder, C would never forgive me for leaving him, and he would make my life misery.

After that, I decided to go to the GP and talk to her about it. SHe suggested I try relate, an organisation that deals with relationship problems, and at £40 an hour, they better be good. I feel that we need to see someone together so he can say what he feels is the problem and so can I, and we can come to some sort of compromise, because I am certainly not arrogant enough to belive its all him and I am the perfect angel. The vacuum flask incident was out of order, even after provokation, I should never have let him do that to me, and I should never have lashed out....

In anycase, we have talked - alot, and we feel its better for N that we stay as a family and stop arguing. The first step is the name calling will have to stop. He said that he will do that if I start to respect him more, I said respect is earned and he would have to first proove that he stopped the name calling. Lets see how it goes, it could improve only for the short term, and things may slip back, or things could improve from now on, its difficult to judge.

Sorry I didn't update anyone yesterday, I am sure people would want to know what happened.

I called the hospital in the end, they were there. However they wouldn't tell me what was going on, and said that C would call me later. Ofcourse, C never did. So I called again, and they would not give me any info. SO I had to tell them that N was taken without my permission to the hospital and that I am the mother and needed to know what was going on. They told me then that everything was ok, and no need to worry. Which is what my instinct was when I saw the rash. But I could hear N crying in the background, it was hysterical crying, and I was very very upset that all this was unnecessary. I was just helpless.

But then C came home, and I made a decision no arguing infront of N, and I would tell him later how bad it was that he took N like that with no food or essentials for 4 and a half hours. But he went mad, saying I had no right to call the hospital. I am quite concerned now that by what hes done, the hospital may call social services because firstly it is very odd that a baby should arrive at A&E with no mother, and second with no essentials. If that happens, it may be both a good or bad thing.

But one good thing did happen. My father now knows whats going on, something I have not told him. I told my mother and sister before what C is like, but now my father knows too, and his reaction was that C is mentally ill and needs urgent medical attention. I tend to agree with him, he does have acute paranoia, but now the dilema is how to get him to have this medical attention he so desperately needs. Thinking caps on, but from now until then, there is noway I will ever leave N with him again....

thanks for EVERYONES comments. What he did was because he wanted to get his own back on me. I really felt supported yesterday and you're all stars!

Men. Why is always a game of "trying to get one over you". I just don't understand it. I now know that C only does what he does to get back at me. However, I am now at a turntable, something quite worrying has happened and I am praying its only innocent.

N has had a fever the last three days, its the first time shes had this, but its probably something she picked up from the other kids at the mother and baby group. C of course, blames me, says its all my fault shes ill, my cooking he put it down to. Oh and my lack of hygeine. I must add, I am a scientist, I think I know more about microbes than him, and guess what C, germs don't jump up at you.

In anycase, today, or this morning, N came up with a rash, all over her body and face and ears. So first thing I called the GP. C then woke up, saw her like that and announced hes taking her to the hospital. he asked me to change her, I did, and I handed her to him, whilst I jump into the shower and get ready. What did C do, he went off without me. They have been gone now for 2 hours, not sure why he did that. What really upsets me more, is that he took no food, no nappies, no change of clothes, no drink/milk, not even her teddy or dummy. I am just praying shes ok as it is time for her to have some food. I called my dad (who is a doctor) and he was very annoyed that he took her to A&E, especially as this service is for emergencies and that is not an emergency. The GP would have been far better as GPs come across all these things very regularly. I tried to call, hes not answering the phone.

Now the devil is whispering in my ear, perhaps hes carried out his threat of taking her away from me? I checked, I still have her passport and have moved it to an even safer place. He wouldn't really do that would he? he is a bit pyscho, but I am not sure whether I should pick up the phone and call the police just yet, perhaps I will call the hospital first and see whats going on. Will keep you all updated

After my last entry, I tried to figure out what I could do next. I tried to ball a couple of places and I finally got to speak to someone from an organisation called womens aid. I just briefly went over some of the things with C, the not being aloud to go out, the timed trips to the supermarket, the name calling, the suspicions over my fidelity. She said that he was an abuser, I am a victim of domestic abuse. That was quite hard to hear and quite hard to face up to, mostly because I feel that I am a strong woman and am in control of my life and career, and finally to be subjected to this, how could i let it happen. how could i let it go this far?

I tried to ask if there was anything I could do to take control of the situation, she said there is nothing i can do, he is an abuser. Its him who needs to change. And when asking what options I have, it was either I put up with it, or leave. Either way its hard.

I called the muslim womans network, who said exactly the same thing. So there is much I have to think about, not just for me but for N. And its not an easy decision either way.

I've been faced with a new dilema to contemplate with. C is just as mad as ever, its a long story, but last night I calmly told him that where he works - part time at the university - are unlikely to renew his contract for next year. The reason why, is because he had a one year contract, and he worked for 3 months then decided it was too much, so he got someone else to do his work for him (all above board, the university knows about it). I know I wouldn't hire anyone to do a job again, when they didn't finish it off the fist time.

Well, he went mad as usual, went far again with his talk. He told me of all the abuse I have inflicted on him (yep vacuum flask incident) and i told him he provoked me. Well, in the short of it, he said I should just shoot myself in the head, as nobody really wants me around. Its a good job I am more stable in the head than that, and won't do something silly like that.

But he made one other threat, one other threat that is really serious, that I am not sure what to do about it (any ideas welcome). He said that he would take N and disappear off to Libya and I would never see them again. He said his mother would care for my daughter. I know this stuff does happen quite alot, I am really not sure what to do about it. But I am taking this seriously, especially as I am due back at work in a couple of months and I will be leaving N for long periods of time with him or at the nursery. Help?

But names do hurt. God, do I curse the idiot who came up with that. Names do hurt and they actually do more damage in the long run than sticks and stones do. Today is one of those days that I have just had enough. I have really tried to be positive and let it all wash over me, but theres something about a constant whinging in your ear that makes me just crack. No, don’t worry I haven’t done anything stupid again like the vacuum flask incident, I have just kept my mouth shut. But I have not made his dinner in protest, if there is something that my little N will have to learn is that respect is not automatic, its earned.

But what makes these relationships abusive? How comes millions of couples live together in harmony (well with minor arguments) and others like myself suffer through abusive relationships? I know that I shouldn’t be believing this, but there is an element that makes me think that perhaps its me. Why do I put up with it? How do I learn to draw a line and make my point to C that this behaviour of his is unacceptable? Or is he beyond reason and logic? Is it me, I am just a sucker for this kind of behaviour. Is the only way not to get bullied is to be a bully yourself? I just can’t do that, my heart is too soft to put someone else through this misery. What must change?

I just can’t believe that in all my years of finding a partner do spend the rest of my life with, I have chosen such a nasty and evil person do share that life with? I can’t believe that he loves me, and yet I stay with him, surely then there must be something wrong with me? I think I am quite successful in my life, but my marriage is a shambles. Or are all muslim men like this, total and utter plonkers!!! (muslim men, speak up…)

Its a real advantage to have a happy persona and have a positive outlook on life. Everything is always good, and bad things are quickly briksed under the carpet. I do believe people like this have a very happy and good life, even if they have nothing and are dirt poor.

Some people are real misery guts, always complaining, and looking for things wrong. C is certainly of this character, hes always miserable. I think that people like this will always be miserable, and have short lives with unhappy and painful ends.

I am not sure where I fit in, I am certainly not miserable all the time, I think I probably am quite chirppy, but there are limits. I do get annoyed and upset at time, but I do look mostly at the positive side of things. I think that its this clash of personalities which makes things difficult between the two of us, he thinks I'm too easy going, I think hes such a misery guts.

Things have improved between us, he seems to be listening to me more now and I have taken my mothers advice, let it all go into one ear and out the other, and I am doing that, and I feel so much happier about it. No major rows yet, but I am nearly at the end of my maternity leave and due back at work soon, and then I am sure things will be much better as I won't be seeing him as often as I do right now! Can't wait for that