I am feeling a lot better today. I got some sleep last night and decided to be more positive for N's sake. I haven't cried today which is an acheivement, but.....

C has kept away. I tried to call him yesterday and he answered and told me to leave him alone. hes sulking. He emailed me this morning saying he would come and see N this weekend. I said it was fine. I won't deny him the right to see his daughter, and I know that N will be thrilled to see him.

Apart from that, I got a call from the domestic violence unit at the police. They heard what I had to say, and they said they are worried about my safety. My personal feeling is that C won't hurt me now. I don't think hes that stupid. But he could be quite calculating and I am sure he is trying to think of a way he could get me back - try and destroy me in some way. I just have to sit tight and that scares me. She also said that social services have to get involved now to make sure N is safe. That scares me, my view of social services is that they are quite nasty people who are there to try and take children away from their parents. I hope they don't take my baby away from me.

And so now I do feel that I made a mistake contacting the police. I have exposed our lives to the public, split up my family, I am miserable because in a strange way I believe that this is the end of our marriage and I loved him, despite everything. And my life and my way of doing things are now going to be scrutinized under a microscope. Is it worth it, no? C is the only man I ever loved. I don't think I can ever love another, and that pains me. It wasn't all bad, and now all of a sudden all the bad times are long forgotten and its the good times that are rushing back to me. Is that because i know I have lost him for good??? I want to be with him, but I want things to change. But I know that we can't go back to what we had, its destructive for all of us. I know all I need is time, but its the waiting for things to heal that is fustrating.

Its been a hard night. A night filled with guilt, sorrow, regret, upset, anger, heart break. After filling in my blog, I called the police station and the duty officer said that they are keeping him only for a few hours. But they scared him a little, handcuffs, photos, fingerprints, DNA samples, and he seemed to be deeply in shock and sorrow. He needed to know he could not do what he did and that they would call me once hes been released.

I felt better hearing that, I was worried he would be angry and that would be scary for me. At about 1am, he turned up (the police did call) and he just brushed his teeth and went to sleep. That surprised me. I didn't think that he would return at all.

In the morning, he got up dressed showered had some breakfast and packed a small bag and left. I tried to talk to him, as we needed to sort things out. He ignored me. I humililated him, and he would be so angry. But what really left me heart broken was N. Seeing her father in the morning she ran up to him. He just ignored her and went about his tasks. Why take it out on her? I would never stop her from seeing her father, but obviously he doesn't see it that way. She didn't really know what was going on, but I was left to cycle to work with N behind me. She seemed ok, I'd have to wait from the report from the nursery to see how she is. I think its good hes gone for a little while, we need time apart to work out whats going on. And what to do next. Whether its all over. Or will things change. But I know deep down. Nothing will change, and it may be the end once and for all.

Its quite unsual for me to write two blogs so closely together. But its an exceptional day. I just feel the need to write it all down, perhap I will feel better???

Unfortunately, I've been sick all weekend. I caught what N had, a high fever and sore throat. I was totally bed ridden, even me, who never sleeps in or lies around, couldn't get up out of bed. It was something. So when I asked C to look after N, well he wasn't too happy. It was his conclusion that I am indeed faking it. I just wanted attention and I was jealous because N was ill the week before - so its my turn. I was shocked too speachless to say anything (and too weak), but I was devestated. About 6 neurofens later, I was strong enough to make lunch and dinner, and I believe I was sleeping in between. N was mostly left to fend for herself.... But she did occassionally come up to me and give me baby kisses on my arm. In my delirious fever-like state, she brought tears to my eyes.

So Sunday, pumped full of ibuprofens and paracetamol, I realised that I am alone in this world, noone to care for me. So I started to get on with my day, washing, cleaning, looking after N. C ofcourse was adament that I was faking it all along. God how I hated him just then. In the afternoon there was a summer party organised by the company I work for. Although I totally avoid alcohol fuelled parties, I thought this one was ok, because it was specially for families and children. And I thought N would like it. Ofcourse, C would never be seen tagging along behind me, and so refused to go. After a good old slagging match, I finally went and took N with me. Naturally if it was rowdy and drunkenly, I would have come back but it was full of bouncy castles, face painting and balloon twisty things and so N loved it. We had a lovely time together and came home before 6pm. C was not happy, and I should have realised that he would make trouble for me.....

so today, I asked him to take N to nursery so I can take my bike to work and get it fixed so N can come with me from now on. So I left him to it. When I got home after work, I was surprised to see that N and C were not there. I was sure he took her for a spin or something just to piss me off. Anyway they got back and he had taken her to the shops. I wasn't too annoyed at all, just happy to see N and play with her. So the evening wears on, and C decides to feed N - cheesy triangles the laughing cow one. I don't have a problem with it, but it as a) just before dinner and b) not like that should be on some bread or crackers because c) its full of salt and preservatives. He didn't listen, so I took the rest of the triangles and put them in the bin.

That must have really turned his buttons because next thing I know, he rammed a "hot off the hob" plate of food (spaghetti hoops) into my right ear. I was screaming rushed to the sink to put cold water on it and in my shock and upset frantically called 999. The police were here, and to put it short, they arrested him. I feel so bad. I didn't make a statement. I didn't make a complaint. He took my keys and I am scared hes coming back to beat me black and blue. I was unconsolablely in tears, so was N (who I was carrying at the time). I told the police that this was an ongoing problem, the name calling, preventing me from having friends, going out, telling me what to wear, making me feel bad about myself. As soon as they came I asked them to go, but it was too late, they said they had to arrest him and to tell him off. I don't want him to get into trouble, that wasn't why I called the police. I want things to change. I am not sure what he is going to do next. If I know him as well as I think I do, he won't come back here. WHat he'll do is try and grab N from nursery because thats how he will get back at me. The police said they would call when they release him, and they haven't called yet. But I just feel shocked saddened and very tired. N is in bed and I am going to sleep close to her tonight. Its going to be a tough night for both of us.

Well little N has been quite ill, she picked up some horrible bug from nursery. Given that I am the only one working, I did expect C to look after her. But wednesday he wouldn't, so I ended up taking a day off work. Work are really good about it though, they gave me a full days pay also, and that wasn't my holiday time either. Its great when you have an understanding employer....

pity I don't have an understanding husband.#

I mention to a good friend of mine at work some of the problems with C, she was quite shocked. She told me to be strong. Hes quite angry that I am back at work, and I have a feeling hes behaving badly to try and get me sacked. I hope not, I just have to be on my toes. For example, little N was ok today, so I went to C early in the morning and asked him if he was going to take care of her or not. He said he would see how she was in the morning and take her to nursery later. Ok fine, so I did all my chores and 10 minutes to departure time, C comes down and says I should take the day off work and look after N. Hmmmm, why leave it so late?!?!? Anyway, I dropped her off at nursery and headed off to work. I just felt that he did that last minute "change of mind" on purpose to try and get me into trouble at work. Like I said. Luckily for me, work are very understanding!

Well I am trying to make an effort to blog more, and things are getting better. Its as if C was reading my blog, but it can't be can it??? Can he have discovered my secret? But hes getting better at dealing with the fact that I am at work, and hes going to have to be more hands on. We haven't had any raging rows lately, mostly because I am working all day, so we don't get the chance to.

So there you go, good marriage counselling - get a job, then you see each other less and argue less.

That was my bit of good advice for the day. N is one years old tomorrow and its a huge deal for me, the day she was born and suddenly when she became the most important thing in my life.

And if I am really honest, perhaps that is the main problem with C, hes jealous of that, and thats why he tries to demean me. I know I don't really pay him the attention I used to, and he always comes second, is it my fault, have I brought it on myself? Or is he going to just have to grow up and accept it?

I realise its been long... too long since I last wrote a blog entry. The truth is that I am now back at work at taking more than 13 months maternity leave, and I'm back full time. Little N is in nursery full time, and its heart breaking to leave her there, although judging by how happy she is in the evening, I am guessing that shes happy there.

But I stupidly thought that things will get better with C once I get back to work. THey haven't, they are worse. His insults are getting worse, hes started throwing things at me, not big things, but like tea towels, dish clothes, clothes etc... thrown in anger, aimed for my head. Hes also expecting me to do everything around the house, I wake up, shower, get N ready, fed (I don't eat breakfast myself as I don't have time), then I am out the house at 8am, take N to nursery, work all day, finish at 5pm, pick up N, go home frantically cook her supper, play a little with her, then put her to bed.... then the work begins, I end up cleaning up my mess, and more importantly all the dirty dishes that C has left behind during the day. Yes, you see, C doesn't work. Hes at home all day (surfing the net I persume) why, because he is doing him PhD. Hes been doing it for about 7 years now.....

So I wonder oh I wonder, what the hell am I doing. I think I need I brain transplant, not only do I have to suffer abuse from him, but I have to work and bring in the money, to pay for his crappy university fees which are £3000 a year, and ontop of that all bills etc.... and nursery fees which are quite hefty, and do all the work at home, he still expects me to make him dinner... and why??? WHY??? I keep asking myself that, and I know why, for N. She adores her dad and I don't want to take him away from her. So I suffer away. Oh, I am such a mug, I can't believe how hes just having a cushy life on my expense. Well, I used to give him £1000 allowance every month, and since July that has stopped, no more cushy cushy for him. Time to take a stand!