I am feeling a lot better today. I got some sleep last night and decided to be more positive for N's sake. I haven't cried today which is an acheivement, but.....

C has kept away. I tried to call him yesterday and he answered and told me to leave him alone. hes sulking. He emailed me this morning saying he would come and see N this weekend. I said it was fine. I won't deny him the right to see his daughter, and I know that N will be thrilled to see him.

Apart from that, I got a call from the domestic violence unit at the police. They heard what I had to say, and they said they are worried about my safety. My personal feeling is that C won't hurt me now. I don't think hes that stupid. But he could be quite calculating and I am sure he is trying to think of a way he could get me back - try and destroy me in some way. I just have to sit tight and that scares me. She also said that social services have to get involved now to make sure N is safe. That scares me, my view of social services is that they are quite nasty people who are there to try and take children away from their parents. I hope they don't take my baby away from me.

And so now I do feel that I made a mistake contacting the police. I have exposed our lives to the public, split up my family, I am miserable because in a strange way I believe that this is the end of our marriage and I loved him, despite everything. And my life and my way of doing things are now going to be scrutinized under a microscope. Is it worth it, no? C is the only man I ever loved. I don't think I can ever love another, and that pains me. It wasn't all bad, and now all of a sudden all the bad times are long forgotten and its the good times that are rushing back to me. Is that because i know I have lost him for good??? I want to be with him, but I want things to change. But I know that we can't go back to what we had, its destructive for all of us. I know all I need is time, but its the waiting for things to heal that is fustrating.