Things with myself and C are still bad. He just drives me mad with his constant arguing. Why can't we just be civil to each other???

Unfortunately, hes still ranting on about my abortion and how he will reveal all. Hes convinced it wasn't in, and he has said that I should be stoned to death, I'm a "dead woman walking". I just feel he has so much distorted islam, because i know i did something wrong, and I repented, and asked god for forgiveness, and thats should be ok. I am not promiscuous, and have made a real effort to distance myself from my old lifestyle and be more honest and true to myself. Its a good thing hes not god!!

So unfortunately, I am having to execute my plan. Him revealing my secret is probably going to happen, so I have to set the scene and start the ball rolling. I have already told my sister that he is determined to destroy my repuatation and relationship with my family and that I don't know what he will do next. My father and mother I am bringing more examples of his madness. I just have to make him look like a madman, which is really bad, but what hes trying to do is worse.I feel bad for it, but there is some element of truth in it. He is totally mad. I belive he needs psychological help and I've mentioned this before in my blogs.He suffers from insomnia, lack of appetite and constantly has headaches and back aches. I am not sure if he hears voices in his head, he may do. He won't tell me that though, hes not going to be carted off in a straight jacket.

I know alot of people reading my blog are horrified about the fact that you can stone people to death over an abortion. But I have to mention that I did have an aborition when I was technically married to my first husband (although legally separated and divorced, and islamic divorce was well underway and we were not living together). But just to clarify, islam is not a brutal religion. These rulings, capital punishment, and cutting peoples hand if they steal etc.. are really aimed for re-offenders, those who have no respect for religion at all and don't see they are doing anything wrong and don't repent. What C is doing is desperate, hes just totally nuts.

N is blossoming. Shes changing into a little girl before my eyes, and I see so much of myself in her. That is what struck me about being a mother, seeing so much of yourself in your offspring, its quite a shock. Shes learnt this new thing, putting on necklaces and taking it off again. SHe was entertained for 2 hours doing this. I hope she can grow up as a confident young lady, and I hope I am a good enough mother to guide her through that.

Its funny how the portrayal of muslim women is that they are weak and submissive. I certainly wasn't brought up like that, but again, we are a family of mostly girls and my dad had to ensure we were able to survive in the world. C believes N should be brought up as submissive. I think this will only make her life miserable, and she'll be taken for a ride by any man she meets....

its funny that when you chose your life partner, you never think of whether you agree or not on parenting.....

I was talking to someone at work today about fasting and ramadan, and how it is forbidden to fast if you are ill or travelling. He looked at me and said it was lovely to chat to me to find out about islam and how incredibly lenient it is, nothing like the image they portray on tv. Its true, its just a few looney tunes that decide to speak for the rest of us - and who nominated them?

As you can tell through my ramblings, I just have various things rushing through my brain, but I feel at peace. Tomorrow - bring it on.

Its been a good weekend. And an even better bank holiday. I went to my parents over the weekend and had a lovely time. What was even better is they gave me their old vw golf. This will be a massive help for me. My dad put me on the insurance for an additional £33, and he told me to come every weekend and he'll fill it up with petrol for me. Can't be grateful enough, my parents were there for me when I needed it most.

The only downer is that C wanted me to be back by sunday so he can see N. Well we talked, and he wants to get back together again. I was secretly hoping he would want a divorce.. now I have much thinking to do. We laid down some rules, he agreed to all except one - to set a deadline to finish his PhD. He said it was none of my business whatsoever. ERm, it is my business, I have to work full time because of him, its effecting me too. ANyway, I said nothing will be done unless my parents were present. He was so against that, but I have to be really careful because things could slip back. ANd I have gotten so far, it would be a shame if things slipped back.....

He also had the cheek to ask me for sexual intercourse last night. I wouldn't normally write such things down, but that made me mad, I refused point blank. He argued he was still my husband and had a right.... I don't think so.

Why is it that woman want it all? Why do we feel we need to be perfect in everyway? The best wife (ehm), best mother, best collegue, best cook, best dressed.... we want it all no? Aren't we just stressing ourselves out unnecessarily?

I was talking to a couple of mums at work, who grumble how hard it is. Its hard enough, but being on your own its in some ways easier and in some ways harder. But why do I put myself though this? Why is it I strive to be the very best I can at work, because I feel my career is important to me, spend time with N because being a mother is also important to me, spend ages making her and myself fresh cooked healthy food, when I could by ready meals, try and keep the house spotless single handly... isn't this too much? No wonder so many women are on anti depressants? No wonder so many women are unhappy? Is it time to go back to basics and forget this lifestyle, mother stay at home and alls well?

My headscarf is my friend. Its been my friend since the age of 8. I was never forced to wear it, I wanted to be like my mother so I willingly accepted it. My father was against it, he didn't want any of me or my sisters to wear it, but he failed on that one.

My headscarf obviously makes me stick out as a muslim, its like walking with an advertising board. And I have posted before, its subjected me to funny looks, comments and even spitting etc... but I don't think that I regret wearing it.

I have always found that my headscarf says what it does on the box, it gains me respect from people. At work, in the streets, I can happily say I can walk around without being ogled at, or wolf whistled at, and although some women might enjoy that, I certainly don't.

And I am sure its a disadvantage to have a headscarf on. But to be honest, I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I feel that everything I have acheived has been on my own merit. ANd I have struggled, but I know that every interview I have sat at, every job I have applied for, I got it because of me, not because I flirted or seduced the interviewer. ANd I am proud of that.

So it really hurts me when I am accused of being a flirt and that I sleep my way through situations. Because I am really not like that. I am friendly, but there are lines that I draw with people, and my headscarf is that line, and its not crossed. As I sit all evening alone, I think about how I could have gotten it so wrong. How my supposed soul mate, my husband, the person I lived with really does believe that I am some sort of slut. ANd he really does believe it, I looked into his eyes. Why is that? Do I come across different to what I really am? What have I done to make him feel like this about me? I can't stop analysing this, and this is my biggest issue that i will bring up at my counselling sessions. Is it not really him, is it me?

Its nice not to work today. Its so different when on maternity leave for more than 13 months, everyday was a saturday. Now I relish my saturdays. I went into town today for a bit of shopping and it was nice. I then decided when N had a nap I would too, and we both slept cuddling each other for 2 hours. That was nice.

But then my perfect saturday crackled, C turned up and wanted to see N. Ofcourse lots of comments under his breath "N is too skinny", "shes lost weight".. of course anything to make me look like a bad mother. Its so trying when hes here, I am still not sure what is really going to happen, and so I am just steering clear of him. Its a bit like being in limbo land.

I have been wearing my headscarf from C for the last 3 weeks, since the police incident. I just felt compelled to wear it. For those who don't know, in islam women are meant to cover only from men, but not relatives or your husband. But I just feel that hes not really my husband anymore. He doesn't like it, but theres another reason why. I don't want him to say that I have been seducing him or something like that, or begging for him back. I am totally taking a step back, I am not bothered either way, if we permentantly separate or get back together....

who would have thought that when I started this blog that things would turn out like this, perhaps you all gave me the strength to try and change my situation

I hate lying. I am no good at it. My mother always says that a little white lie is ok, it doesn't hurt anyone. C calls me a compulsive lier. Yes, I do do things behind his back (go to Tesco while in my lunch break, have a cup of coffee with friends at work or even lunch with them) but thats because he forces me to be like that. If I asked him, he would never had let me.

But I am still not very good at it. I heard back from the police. They said that there is noway that my family could check my medical records, they would be in breach of the GMC and could face prosecution. Thats reaassuring. But there is this thing coming out called the national spine where all medical records will be on it, and it will be easier for GPs to see other patients' records. There is an option to opt out of this. Yes, and you can guess that I went straight to the GP to opt out. They said it was fine. So the advice from the police is to just lie. Like the blogger "sloshed and vexed" said, I just have to make him look like a loney tune and then they won't believe what he says. I just hope I can lie convincingly!

But its such a massive betrayal for me. THe only man I ever loved, the only man I ever revealed the true me to, the only man who ever knew all my secrets is exposing me to the wide world. I feel hurt, really hurt that it makes me want to cry. But I won't cry, I decided that already, N shouldn't see me cry anymore. How could I have gotten it so wrong? How comes my listened to my heart and it betrayed me? Am I such a bad judge of character, or is C really a nice guy but its our relationship dynamics thats explosive?

I have started to go to counselling, I hope that from this I can learn to put away all my bitterness towards C and try and move on from this, because where I stand, if we separated permenantly or we got back together, I have been hurt and I am not sure I can deal with either situation.

I did have a meeting yesterday from someone from the police domesitic violence unit. I guess she really just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to run back to him, because if I took him back now, hes bound to do it again, but this time worse. I know that.

I brought up this abortion issue. Shes looking into it. The thing is that I can't lie at the moment to my parents. Why, because my father is a doctor in a hospital, and both my brother and sister are trainee GPs. If I lied and they found a way to access my medical records, then I would be much much worse off. So shes going to look into how "secure" the medical records are and if there is some high security tag that can be added to mine to make it impossible apart from my GP to look at it. So I am sitting tight at the moment.

Apart from that, its just routine for us, N is so much better behaved without C around, I don't know why. Shes very happy, probably because she can sense the tension, but she also goes to sleep without a fuss and only woke up once last night gasping for a drink of milk (unlike the 3-4 times she wakes up with C is around). I have a feeling that its because he always goes into her room to prod and poke at her - which would wake me up also. I've got a major presentation at work tomorrow, so I really need to keep my head together. I also start some counselling tomorrow, which is much needed. After being told I am worthless for 6 years, I think its time for me to expell these demons that have resulted in my low self esteem and try and understand why I allowed C to treat me like that and what I can do to prevent being treated like that in the future. I really hope it helps.

thanks to everyone for their kind words, I may appear strong, but I am a wreck inside, I am just trying to keep it together for N.

its not fair how women are stigmitised in islam. Infact, I was at work today, and I realised its not just in islam, its all across the board. A friend of mine at work was talking about her father and how he grew up in a village in wales. She was saying how in the 1940s there was a young girl who got pregnant by a man in the village and she was forced to give up the child for adoption. That was really sad to hear. But what really got on my nerves was that after she gave up the child, she was stigmitised in the village. Everyone was pointing their fingers at her, she was never allowed to go out unchaperoned and was never trusted with anything. The young boy who got her pregnant on the other hand was allowed to get on with his life as normal, even though everyone knew it was him who got her pregnant.

I guess this is similar to the situation I am in, its always the womans fault (mine) and never his. The fact that I had an abortion years ago means that its me who will be stigmitised and he would never be. I guess then modern day islam is a little bit like 1940s britain.

I am not anti islam, infact what has happened has only deepened my faith, because I know that in islam there is no distinction between men and women in sin, we are both to blame. But its society that places these distinctions. I hate the way that verses from the quran and sayings of the prophet mohammed are cherry picked to make it look like women are evil doers and men are the saviours of our generation. When in fact if you look at the facts, women played a massive role in islam. The prophet Mohammeds wife in fact lead an army of about 3000 men into war. A far cry from the modern day muslim woman in saudi arabia who is not even allowed out of the home. Its this that angers me.

I am still hanging in there, and trying my hardest to cope and not breakdown. I don't want N to anymore see me cry. I am meeting with the domestic violence unit from the police today and I am going to bring up this abortion issue and see what they say. THey have already told me to keep both our passports away from the home (safely locked in my cupboard at work) and to tell the passport office that under no circumstances should another passport be issued. I'll let you know what they advise me to do. Thanks for all the comments and support, I certainly don't feel strong!

I have been bad, not blogging. But in all honesty, I have just forgotten too. I guess the difficulties of single parenthood are dawning on me. N is such a sweetheart, shes so good, she eats herself, entertains herself most of the time, but its just the little things I find difficult, like doing the shopping - things I used to rely on C to do. And now hes taken the car, its even more difficult to drag a mobile 1 year old around the supermarket.

But I can't complain. It could be worse. Quick update.

C was away all last week. THe police incident must have shaken him. He emailed me saying he wanted to see N on saturday. It was civil, he came on saturday. We mostly stayed away from each other when N was asleep and tried to act normal when she was awake. Then in a turn of events, he called my parents behind my back and asked them to come on sunday. He said there were things they needed to know.

Although I have one dark secret from my parents, my abortion, the other secrets are not so bad. I am prepared for him telling my parents taht, I would deny it, because if they knew, and if the muslim community knew, I could be stoned to death for it. I have already asked for the GP to keep my medical records away from anyone who pokes around.

But he wasn't that bad, but he did tell my parents about my clubbing days, and about Lee and how he was my boyfriend and all the rest. THe latter was not true and I denied it. The clubbing I admitted to - but it was a very long time ago. Luckily, my parents were supportive of me, and were critising him for the way he treats me, the fact he never lets me go out, that I am not allowed to visit my sister (oh because I secretly fancy her husband - apparantly), the strict restrictions on my dress... and so they left with me feeling like there was someone on my side. C on the other hand had even more reason to sulk because contrary to his beleifs, my parents did not turn their back on me. So he called his parents to grumble at what I bitch I am. They never called me to hear my side of the story, but they probably won't.

So C has gone away again, to an undisclosed place. He packed more of his things and said he would make a decision by friday on the fate of our marriage. I said infront of my parents that I would give it another go but with strict conditions, that have to be enforced by external sources and that our marriage is closely monitored. Thats just for the sake of N. My guess is that he will come running back to me, so I am preparing a list of conditions that I will absolutely not compromise on. One of these conditions is that from now until christmas, we are live apart. I think thats best for all of us in the short term, and lets wait and see what happens later. WIll keep you all posted