http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/b2/6b69cfb388081859d433b655c6cc97_160x200.jpghttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/eastenders-4769083/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-23:/2008/09/23/eastenders-4769083/Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:25:36 +0200 <p>I've been away for a while, I know that, and I'm sorry. Life is taking over again, and its very hard to manage on my own. With a sick child as its that time of year. With little sleep due to sick child. And with managing the growing demands of work...</p> <p>However, in the evening when I sit down to eat my dinner, I flick through the tv channels and I came across a story line in eastenders that I find both disturbing and intruiging. FOr those who haven't the foggiest, its about a man who is in a supposedly loving relationship with a woman, but is only really with her because he is sleeping with her underage daughter. So it follows how manipulative this man is towards the daughter and how he is grooming her. I think its great they are highlighting this, but, it makes me think. Firstly, the behaviour of the character Tony (the paedophile) is quite like C, very manipulative. But then I start thinking more about my future without C, and how I would be in another relationship, and in particular the saftey of N. I know not all men are paedophiles, but why should I put N through that heartache of being raised by another man, and for me to take the risk that he might hurt, or touch her in some ways..... I can't think about it, and thats why I always believed my relationhsip with C is the last one. Perhaps its all early days yet and I feel quite bitter about the whole ordeal, but its impossible for me to think that I can move on </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/eastenders-4769083/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>eastenderslovelifemarriagepaedophileshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/eastenders-4769083/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/15/ramadan-4732916/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-15:/2008/09/15/ramadan-4732916/Mon, 15 Sep 2008 22:12:31 +0200 <p>Today is exactly day 15 from ramadan. I haven't really explained what this is and what it means to me. All the major religions have some sort of fasting involved, whether it be giving up something for lent, or some of the hardcore fasting done by the Jains (no food or drink except boiled water for 5 days solid), its considered to be quite an important part of religion or faith.</p> <p>So Islam is no different. And this comes in the form of ramadan, absence of food or water or drink from sunrise to sunset for a month. There is a catch though - islam goes by the lunar year, which is 11 days sorter than the solar one. So if you think that ramadan is coming round earlier every year, you're right.</p> <p>I believe that this makes islam a fair religion and there is no bias where you live in the world, because although several years ago, ramadan was in december and it was quite easy, I distinctly and painfully remember ramadan being in June and that was very tough. So unless you immigrate to the other side of the world every 35 years or so, you'll get a taste of it all.</p> <p>Fasting for muslims is not just simply the absence of food and drink for several hours, it also involves not swearing, being kind and patient to people, giving money to charity, and trying in general to be the best person you can. In a physical sense, I love ramadan because it gives me my annual detox, the body has a chance to recover from the continuous flow of food throughout the year. But fasting has more spiritual levels, when you are without a basic necessity like food, you go into some sort of meditation where you get to appreciate every scrap of food you have. SO the reason why muslims do it is a spiritual and physical cleansing, but its also a reminder that there really are people in this day and age that go without and how hard that must be for them. At the end of ramadan its compulsory to give enough money to charity to feed a family of 4, and you'll want to do that after seeing how hard going without food is. I recommend it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/15/ramadan-4732916/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>islamramadanhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/15/ramadan-4732916/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/mind-games-4723713/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-13:/2008/09/13/mind-games-4723713/Sat, 13 Sep 2008 21:22:59 +0200 <p>plodding on. Just realising its so hard on my own. I had to sort out the garden today, our hedge lines a public path and part of our tenancy agreement says we have to keep it trim. Of course "we" now means "me". So I put N to sleep at 7pm took the baby monitor and started chomping away, in a near starved state because of the fasting... but I did most of it. I hope tomorrow is nice so I can mow the lawn and I'll be as happy as larry.</p> <p>But its these mind games that C plays thats what gets me. He was doing it nearly all our marriage, he wouldn't let me tell my family things, or mislead them so that they don't know the truth. hes got some sort of problem with people knowing what hes up to, its not normal. He wouldn't let me tell my parents when I was pregnant because he was convinced that something bad would happen. I eventually told them at 5 months gone, but I had to make them swear not to tell anyone. It didn't go down well.</p> <p>ANyway, so hes playing mind games again. I blogged twice this week saying that I suspected that hes gone to Libya, because theres no way he has the money to rent a place out. ANd I just had that feeling. So he sends me an email asking about N, then he says "I might come and visit N this weekend,not sure". ERm, I was quite positive that he was abroad, but when he said that, I started to doubt myself and my suspcious mind. ANyway, I ignored the email and didn't write back. He then called yesterday, as if nothing happened and said he might not come today because he might be travelling to Libya, but he hasn't decided if hes going yet or not. ERm, does he think I'm stupid. I told him straight out to be hoenst with me and he finally admitted that he was in Libya, but he only got there yesterday. THat was another lie, I told him to stop lying as its ramadan and its supposed to be a month of good deeds and reflection, to which he just kept quiet. SO he won't tell me when hes back, but I have the feeling that he will be there for a while. Good, we had a super day today myself and N, although its hard on my own, I do believe its certainly better without him </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/mind-games-4723713/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelove-cheatdeceptionlifelieshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/13/mind-games-4723713/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/shattered-4709951/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-10:/2008/09/10/shattered-4709951/Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:17:07 +0200 <p>Thanks for all the comments on my last blog, I have hardly had a chance to reply to each one individually as I am totally shattered.</p> <p>On Monday, I had to go to some team bonding exercise at work, and I still haven't recovered from that. I have to give it to the company that designed the day, it really did help us bond. We had to build a marble run, an egg launcher and solve a murder mystery. We failed with the egg launcher, it launched the egg the oppposite way, but it was a really enjoyable day. We were outdoors all day though, and I am feeling quite tired still. I think once I finish this blog, I am going straight to bed. </p> <p>As with the situation with C, I am still quite convinced that he has gone to visit his family in Libya. Its good if he is away, I really am looking forward to a weekend with N, and I am planning lots of things to do, including some arts and crafts. I made a big decision though, I registered myself as separeted with the government and my tax credits, so hopefully I can try to make ends meet. Money has been really tight, and since C is not living with me anymore, I feel totally snowed under. We live in quite a large 3 bed house, and myself and N don't need all this space. But I am stuck here with a very high rent and bills, because we signed a 1 year contract. I think once the year is over, I will find something smaller with N to move into. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/shattered-4709951/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>single-motherlifelovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/10/shattered-4709951/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/08/humph-4700407/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-08:/2008/09/08/humph-4700407/Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:32:34 +0200 <p>its been a hard weekend. And I haven't blogged properly in a while. C and I are still living apart after the fiasco of several weeks ago. We have agreed to "get back together" but only with changes. These changes have not been implemented, and hes still raving like a mad man. The thing is that I don't need to make him look mad, hes doing that all by himself.</p> <p>So his latest rantings on... he wants £20,000 from me. He says its "all the money he has spent on my ass". Erm, that was in the first year we were married and it included him paying for food clothes etc.. and I paid for bills and rent. ANd now he wants it back. I am so outraged, mostly because for the last FIVE years, I have spent money on his ass, and not just rent and bills and food, but his bloody university fees which are £3000 a year. What a croc?</p> <p>My parents said that under no circumstances am I to give him a penny, I have to remember that, because for peace and quiet, I might just give it to him to get him out my life. But like I said, hes sounding more and more insane, so I am not even trying. ANd another thing he is doing is randomly taping me on his phone video to try and "gather evidence". What a nutter, evidence for what? I didn't do anything?</p> <p>So no, we are not living together, I just have to put up with him for 1/2 days a week when he comes in the weekend to see N. And thats enough to totally drive me up the wall.</p> <p>However I have a suspicion, its just a gut feeling, but I think hes left the country and gone home to Libya. He never said anything, I have no ticket, but I just have that feeling from little things I have seen. A reciept I just found for 7 boxes of chocolate (one for each of his neices/nephews), suitcase missing, and the fact that he has totally disappeared over the last 2 days. I will blog later to confirm if this is true or not, but I hope he has gone so he can just get away from me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/08/humph-4700407/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/08/humph-4700407/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/02/islamicextremism-4673100/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-02:/2008/09/02/islamicextremism-4673100/Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:30:09 +0200 <p>Just by reading a post by another blogger.....</p> <p>Extremism in any religion or way of life is bad. But its always islamic extremism thats thrust into the limelight. I have never sat at a mosque and heard "anti-west" propaganda, but the last time I sat in a mosque was years ago...</p> <p>My only encounter with islamic extremists was during my days at the university of london and there were lots of crackpots there. I used to bump into them when I went to pray, but they gave up on trying to bring me in because they thought I was a lost cause, with my tight jeans and partying ways.... Anyway, I heard lots of stories about them, standing outside campus preaching that homosexuals will go to hell, entering the student bar and telling all the half drunk students that the burning fire of hell is at their door (erm, any good muslim will know that you can't even enter a bar). Anyway, I know from first hand that extremism in islam exists. And my interpretation is that these people have a grudge against the west and perhaps a grudge against life. Because islam makes it clear, and anyone here doubts me, go and read the quran for yourselves... no violence, only in self protection, and if you don't like the place you live becuase you feel you are being discriminated against, then leave, thats your islamic duty.</p> <p>Personally, as a conservative british muslim who has lived here for all my life, I feel that its not perfect here, but at least I have the freedom to practise my religion (as do others) without major obstacles. People at work understand that I don't go to social events around alcohol. I am allowed to wear my headscarf. And although its hard, I am allowed to do that still. So I am grateful for that. There are some muslim countries that don't allow women to wear headscarves full stop eg. turkey and other muslim countries that discriminate against women who wear a headscarf like morocco, algeria etc.. so I am happy to be a law abiding muslim. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/02/islamicextremism-4673100/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>extremismlifeislamhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/02/islamicextremism-4673100/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/01/fasts-and-stuff-4668233/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-09-01:/2008/09/01/fasts-and-stuff-4668233/Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:32:43 +0200 <p>well its the first day of ramadan today. For those who don't know, we as muslims have to fast once a year for 30 days. Basically, no food or drink from sunrise to sunset. I am really feeling the strain with only half an hour to go and I am really tempted to eat N's half eaten banana, but must resist.... it will make me a better person.</p> <p>Apart from that, C came over on sunday again to see N. This time, for some reason, he really behaved himself, no shouting, no arguing, no name calling. It was so much bearable. BUT I get suspicious when hes nice like that, so need to be on my guard. He left this morning, and its back to N and me. I think the separation for the time being will be good for us, I still can't make a decision what I want. Its very hard, after all hes done, I should be telling him to get lost, but I can't. Its too complex for even me to explain.</p> <p>But apart from that, its funny how I started this blog to vent out my feelings and how much water has passed under the bridge now. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/01/fasts-and-stuff-4668233/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/09/01/fasts-and-stuff-4668233/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/capital-punishment-4645601/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-27:/2008/08/27/capital-punishment-4645601/Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:03:07 +0200 <p>Things with myself and C are still bad. He just drives me mad with his constant arguing. Why can't we just be civil to each other???</p> <p>Unfortunately, hes still ranting on about my abortion and how he will reveal all. Hes convinced it wasn't in, and he has said that I should be stoned to death, I'm a "dead woman walking". I just feel he has so much distorted islam, because i know i did something wrong, and I repented, and asked god for forgiveness, and thats should be ok. I am not promiscuous, and have made a real effort to distance myself from my old lifestyle and be more honest and true to myself. Its a good thing hes not god!!</p> <p>So unfortunately, I am having to execute my plan. Him revealing my secret is probably going to happen, so I have to set the scene and start the ball rolling. I have already told my sister that he is determined to destroy my repuatation and relationship with my family and that I don't know what he will do next. My father and mother I am bringing more examples of his madness. I just have to make him look like a madman, which is really bad, but what hes trying to do is worse.I feel bad for it, but there is some element of truth in it. He is totally mad. I belive he needs psychological help and I've mentioned this before in my blogs.He suffers from insomnia, lack of appetite and constantly has headaches and back aches. I am not sure if he hears voices in his head, he may do. He won't tell me that though, hes not going to be carted off in a straight jacket.</p> <p>I know alot of people reading my blog are horrified about the fact that you can stone people to death over an abortion. But I have to mention that I did have an aborition when I was technically married to my first husband (although legally separated and divorced, and islamic divorce was well underway and we were not living together). But just to clarify, islam is not a brutal religion. These rulings, capital punishment, and cutting peoples hand if they steal etc.. are really aimed for re-offenders, those who have no respect for religion at all and don't see they are doing anything wrong and don't repent. What C is doing is desperate, hes just totally nuts. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/capital-punishment-4645601/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>womens-rightslifelovecapital-punishmentislamhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/27/capital-punishment-4645601/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/blossom-4640911/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-26:/2008/08/26/blossom-4640911/Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:04:01 +0200 <p>N is blossoming. Shes changing into a little girl before my eyes, and I see so much of myself in her. That is what struck me about being a mother, seeing so much of yourself in your offspring, its quite a shock. Shes learnt this new thing, putting on necklaces and taking it off again. SHe was entertained for 2 hours doing this. I hope she can grow up as a confident young lady, and I hope I am a good enough mother to guide her through that. </p> <p>Its funny how the portrayal of muslim women is that they are weak and submissive. I certainly wasn't brought up like that, but again, we are a family of mostly girls and my dad had to ensure we were able to survive in the world. C believes N should be brought up as submissive. I think this will only make her life miserable, and she'll be taken for a ride by any man she meets....</p> <p>its funny that when you chose your life partner, you never think of whether you agree or not on parenting.....</p> <p>I was talking to someone at work today about fasting and ramadan, and how it is forbidden to fast if you are ill or travelling. He looked at me and said it was lovely to chat to me to find out about islam and how incredibly lenient it is, nothing like the image they portray on tv. Its true, its just a few looney tunes that decide to speak for the rest of us - and who nominated them?</p> <p>As you can tell through my ramblings, I just have various things rushing through my brain, but I feel at peace. Tomorrow - bring it on. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/blossom-4640911/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifeislamwomenhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/26/blossom-4640911/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-it-together-4635591/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-25:/2008/08/25/getting-it-together-4635591/Mon, 25 Aug 2008 17:56:12 +0200 <p>Its been a good weekend. And an even better bank holiday. I went to my parents over the weekend and had a lovely time. What was even better is they gave me their old vw golf. This will be a massive help for me. My dad put me on the insurance for an additional £33, and he told me to come every weekend and he'll fill it up with petrol for me. Can't be grateful enough, my parents were there for me when I needed it most.</p> <p>The only downer is that C wanted me to be back by sunday so he can see N. Well we talked, and he wants to get back together again. I was secretly hoping he would want a divorce.. now I have much thinking to do. We laid down some rules, he agreed to all except one - to set a deadline to finish his PhD. He said it was none of my business whatsoever. ERm, it is my business, I have to work full time because of him, its effecting me too. ANyway, I said nothing will be done unless my parents were present. He was so against that, but I have to be really careful because things could slip back. ANd I have gotten so far, it would be a shame if things slipped back.....</p> <p>He also had the cheek to ask me for sexual intercourse last night. I wouldn't normally write such things down, but that made me mad, I refused point blank. He argued he was still my husband and had a right.... I don't think so. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-it-together-4635591/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/25/getting-it-together-4635591/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/21/womens-lib-4619594/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-21:/2008/08/21/womens-lib-4619594/Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:11:15 +0200 <p>Why is it that woman want it all? Why do we feel we need to be perfect in everyway? The best wife (ehm), best mother, best collegue, best cook, best dressed.... we want it all no? Aren't we just stressing ourselves out unnecessarily?</p> <p>I was talking to a couple of mums at work, who grumble how hard it is. Its hard enough, but being on your own its in some ways easier and in some ways harder. But why do I put myself though this? Why is it I strive to be the very best I can at work, because I feel my career is important to me, spend time with N because being a mother is also important to me, spend ages making her and myself fresh cooked healthy food, when I could by ready meals, try and keep the house spotless single handly... isn't this too much? No wonder so many women are on anti depressants? No wonder so many women are unhappy? Is it time to go back to basics and forget this lifestyle, mother stay at home and alls well? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/21/womens-lib-4619594/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifewomens-rightslovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/21/womens-lib-4619594/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/headscarves-4610377/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-19:/2008/08/19/headscarves-4610377/Tue, 19 Aug 2008 20:19:49 +0200 <p>My headscarf is my friend. Its been my friend since the age of 8. I was never forced to wear it, I wanted to be like my mother so I willingly accepted it. My father was against it, he didn't want any of me or my sisters to wear it, but he failed on that one.</p> <p>My headscarf obviously makes me stick out as a muslim, its like walking with an advertising board. And I have posted before, its subjected me to funny looks, comments and even spitting etc... but I don't think that I regret wearing it.</p> <p>I have always found that my headscarf says what it does on the box, it gains me respect from people. At work, in the streets, I can happily say I can walk around without being ogled at, or wolf whistled at, and although some women might enjoy that, I certainly don't.</p> <p>And I am sure its a disadvantage to have a headscarf on. But to be honest, I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that I feel that everything I have acheived has been on my own merit. ANd I have struggled, but I know that every interview I have sat at, every job I have applied for, I got it because of me, not because I flirted or seduced the interviewer. ANd I am proud of that.</p> <p>So it really hurts me when I am accused of being a flirt and that I sleep my way through situations. Because I am really not like that. I am friendly, but there are lines that I draw with people, and my headscarf is that line, and its not crossed. As I sit all evening alone, I think about how I could have gotten it so wrong. How my supposed soul mate, my husband, the person I lived with really does believe that I am some sort of slut. ANd he really does believe it, I looked into his eyes. Why is that? Do I come across different to what I really am? What have I done to make him feel like this about me? I can't stop analysing this, and this is my biggest issue that i will bring up at my counselling sessions. Is it not really him, is it me? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/headscarves-4610377/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifeislamdomestic-abuselovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/19/headscarves-4610377/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/16/limbo-land-4597683/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-16:/2008/08/16/limbo-land-4597683/Sat, 16 Aug 2008 21:21:48 +0200 <p>Its nice not to work today. Its so different when on maternity leave for more than 13 months, everyday was a saturday. Now I relish my saturdays. I went into town today for a bit of shopping and it was nice. I then decided when N had a nap I would too, and we both slept cuddling each other for 2 hours. That was nice.</p> <p>But then my perfect saturday crackled, C turned up and wanted to see N. Ofcourse lots of comments under his breath "N is too skinny", "shes lost weight".. of course anything to make me look like a bad mother. Its so trying when hes here, I am still not sure what is really going to happen, and so I am just steering clear of him. Its a bit like being in limbo land.</p> <p>I have been wearing my headscarf from C for the last 3 weeks, since the police incident. I just felt compelled to wear it. For those who don't know, in islam women are meant to cover only from men, but not relatives or your husband. But I just feel that hes not really my husband anymore. He doesn't like it, but theres another reason why. I don't want him to say that I have been seducing him or something like that, or begging for him back. I am totally taking a step back, I am not bothered either way, if we permentantly separate or get back together....</p> <p>who would have thought that when I started this blog that things would turn out like this, perhaps you all gave me the strength to try and change my situation </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/16/limbo-land-4597683/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/16/limbo-land-4597683/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/lying-is-the-only-way-4593982/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-15:/2008/08/15/lying-is-the-only-way-4593982/Fri, 15 Aug 2008 21:11:40 +0200 <p>I hate lying. I am no good at it. My mother always says that a little white lie is ok, it doesn't hurt anyone. C calls me a compulsive lier. Yes, I do do things behind his back (go to Tesco while in my lunch break, have a cup of coffee with friends at work or even lunch with them) but thats because he forces me to be like that. If I asked him, he would never had let me.</p> <p>But I am still not very good at it. I heard back from the police. They said that there is noway that my family could check my medical records, they would be in breach of the GMC and could face prosecution. Thats reaassuring. But there is this thing coming out called the national spine where all medical records will be on it, and it will be easier for GPs to see other patients' records. There is an option to opt out of this. Yes, and you can guess that I went straight to the GP to opt out. They said it was fine. So the advice from the police is to just lie. Like the blogger "sloshed and vexed" said, I just have to make him look like a loney tune and then they won't believe what he says. I just hope I can lie convincingly!</p> <p>But its such a massive betrayal for me. THe only man I ever loved, the only man I ever revealed the true me to, the only man who ever knew all my secrets is exposing me to the wide world. I feel hurt, really hurt that it makes me want to cry. But I won't cry, I decided that already, N shouldn't see me cry anymore. How could I have gotten it so wrong? How comes my listened to my heart and it betrayed me? Am I such a bad judge of character, or is C really a nice guy but its our relationship dynamics thats explosive?</p> <p>I have started to go to counselling, I hope that from this I can learn to put away all my bitterness towards C and try and move on from this, because where I stand, if we separated permenantly or we got back together, I have been hurt and I am not sure I can deal with either situation. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/lying-is-the-only-way-4593982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/15/lying-is-the-only-way-4593982/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/meeting-inconclusive-4582413/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-13:/2008/08/13/meeting-inconclusive-4582413/Wed, 13 Aug 2008 10:56:32 +0200 <p>I did have a meeting yesterday from someone from the police domesitic violence unit. I guess she really just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to run back to him, because if I took him back now, hes bound to do it again, but this time worse. I know that.</p> <p>I brought up this abortion issue. Shes looking into it. The thing is that I can't lie at the moment to my parents. Why, because my father is a doctor in a hospital, and both my brother and sister are trainee GPs. If I lied and they found a way to access my medical records, then I would be much much worse off. So shes going to look into how "secure" the medical records are and if there is some high security tag that can be added to mine to make it impossible apart from my GP to look at it. So I am sitting tight at the moment.</p> <p>Apart from that, its just routine for us, N is so much better behaved without C around, I don't know why. Shes very happy, probably because she can sense the tension, but she also goes to sleep without a fuss and only woke up once last night gasping for a drink of milk (unlike the 3-4 times she wakes up with C is around). I have a feeling that its because he always goes into her room to prod and poke at her - which would wake me up also. I've got a major presentation at work tomorrow, so I really need to keep my head together. I also start some counselling tomorrow, which is much needed. After being told I am worthless for 6 years, I think its time for me to expell these demons that have resulted in my low self esteem and try and understand why I allowed C to treat me like that and what I can do to prevent being treated like that in the future. I really hope it helps.</p> <p>thanks to everyone for their kind words, I may appear strong, but I am a wreck inside, I am just trying to keep it together for N. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/meeting-inconclusive-4582413/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/13/meeting-inconclusive-4582413/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/shifting-the-blame-4576390/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-12:/2008/08/12/shifting-the-blame-4576390/Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:10:06 +0200 <p>its not fair how women are stigmitised in islam. Infact, I was at work today, and I realised its not just in islam, its all across the board. A friend of mine at work was talking about her father and how he grew up in a village in wales. She was saying how in the 1940s there was a young girl who got pregnant by a man in the village and she was forced to give up the child for adoption. That was really sad to hear. But what really got on my nerves was that after she gave up the child, she was stigmitised in the village. Everyone was pointing their fingers at her, she was never allowed to go out unchaperoned and was never trusted with anything. The young boy who got her pregnant on the other hand was allowed to get on with his life as normal, even though everyone knew it was him who got her pregnant.</p> <p>I guess this is similar to the situation I am in, its always the womans fault (mine) and never his. The fact that I had an abortion years ago means that its me who will be stigmitised and he would never be. I guess then modern day islam is a little bit like 1940s britain.</p> <p>I am not anti islam, infact what has happened has only deepened my faith, because I know that in islam there is no distinction between men and women in sin, we are both to blame. But its society that places these distinctions. I hate the way that verses from the quran and sayings of the prophet mohammed are cherry picked to make it look like women are evil doers and men are the saviours of our generation. When in fact if you look at the facts, women played a massive role in islam. The prophet Mohammeds wife in fact lead an army of about 3000 men into war. A far cry from the modern day muslim woman in saudi arabia who is not even allowed out of the home. Its this that angers me.</p> <p>I am still hanging in there, and trying my hardest to cope and not breakdown. I don't want N to anymore see me cry. I am meeting with the domestic violence unit from the police today and I am going to bring up this abortion issue and see what they say. THey have already told me to keep both our passports away from the home (safely locked in my cupboard at work) and to tell the passport office that under no circumstances should another passport be issued. I'll let you know what they advise me to do. Thanks for all the comments and support, I certainly don't feel strong! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/shifting-the-blame-4576390/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>womendomestic-abuselovelifeislamhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/shifting-the-blame-4576390/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/06/parents-4551892/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-08-06:/2008/08/06/parents-4551892/Wed, 06 Aug 2008 19:14:54 +0200 <p>I have been bad, not blogging. But in all honesty, I have just forgotten too. I guess the difficulties of single parenthood are dawning on me. N is such a sweetheart, shes so good, she eats herself, entertains herself most of the time, but its just the little things I find difficult, like doing the shopping - things I used to rely on C to do. And now hes taken the car, its even more difficult to drag a mobile 1 year old around the supermarket.</p> <p>But I can't complain. It could be worse. Quick update. </p> <p>C was away all last week. THe police incident must have shaken him. He emailed me saying he wanted to see N on saturday. It was civil, he came on saturday. We mostly stayed away from each other when N was asleep and tried to act normal when she was awake. Then in a turn of events, he called my parents behind my back and asked them to come on sunday. He said there were things they needed to know.</p> <p>Although I have one dark secret from my parents, my abortion, the other secrets are not so bad. I am prepared for him telling my parents taht, I would deny it, because if they knew, and if the muslim community knew, I could be stoned to death for it. I have already asked for the GP to keep my medical records away from anyone who pokes around.</p> <p>But he wasn't that bad, but he did tell my parents about my clubbing days, and about Lee and how he was my boyfriend and all the rest. THe latter was not true and I denied it. The clubbing I admitted to - but it was a very long time ago. Luckily, my parents were supportive of me, and were critising him for the way he treats me, the fact he never lets me go out, that I am not allowed to visit my sister (oh because I secretly fancy her husband - apparantly), the strict restrictions on my dress... and so they left with me feeling like there was someone on my side. C on the other hand had even more reason to sulk because contrary to his beleifs, my parents did not turn their back on me. So he called his parents to grumble at what I bitch I am. They never called me to hear my side of the story, but they probably won't.</p> <p>So C has gone away again, to an undisclosed place. He packed more of his things and said he would make a decision by friday on the fate of our marriage. I said infront of my parents that I would give it another go but with strict conditions, that have to be enforced by external sources and that our marriage is closely monitored. Thats just for the sake of N. My guess is that he will come running back to me, so I am preparing a list of conditions that I will absolutely not compromise on. One of these conditions is that from now until christmas, we are live apart. I think thats best for all of us in the short term, and lets wait and see what happens later. WIll keep you all posted </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/06/parents-4551892/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifedomestic-abusehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/08/06/parents-4551892/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/30/regrets-4521604/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-30:/2008/07/30/regrets-4521604/Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:46:51 +0200 <p>I am feeling a lot better today. I got some sleep last night and decided to be more positive for N's sake. I haven't cried today which is an acheivement, but.....</p> <p>C has kept away. I tried to call him yesterday and he answered and told me to leave him alone. hes sulking. He emailed me this morning saying he would come and see N this weekend. I said it was fine. I won't deny him the right to see his daughter, and I know that N will be thrilled to see him.</p> <p>Apart from that, I got a call from the domestic violence unit at the police. They heard what I had to say, and they said they are worried about my safety. My personal feeling is that C won't hurt me now. I don't think hes that stupid. But he could be quite calculating and I am sure he is trying to think of a way he could get me back - try and destroy me in some way. I just have to sit tight and that scares me. She also said that social services have to get involved now to make sure N is safe. That scares me, my view of social services is that they are quite nasty people who are there to try and take children away from their parents. I hope they don't take my baby away from me.</p> <p>And so now I do feel that I made a mistake contacting the police. I have exposed our lives to the public, split up my family, I am miserable because in a strange way I believe that this is the end of our marriage and I loved him, despite everything. And my life and my way of doing things are now going to be scrutinized under a microscope. Is it worth it, no? C is the only man I ever loved. I don't think I can ever love another, and that pains me. It wasn't all bad, and now all of a sudden all the bad times are long forgotten and its the good times that are rushing back to me. Is that because i know I have lost him for good??? I want to be with him, but I want things to change. But I know that we can't go back to what we had, its destructive for all of us. I know all I need is time, but its the waiting for things to heal that is fustrating. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/30/regrets-4521604/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/30/regrets-4521604/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/29/the-morning-after-the-night-before-4514885/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-29:/2008/07/29/the-morning-after-the-night-before-4514885/Tue, 29 Jul 2008 10:52:11 +0200 <p>Its been a hard night. A night filled with guilt, sorrow, regret, upset, anger, heart break. After filling in my blog, I called the police station and the duty officer said that they are keeping him only for a few hours. But they scared him a little, handcuffs, photos, fingerprints, DNA samples, and he seemed to be deeply in shock and sorrow. He needed to know he could not do what he did and that they would call me once hes been released.</p> <p>I felt better hearing that, I was worried he would be angry and that would be scary for me. At about 1am, he turned up (the police did call) and he just brushed his teeth and went to sleep. That surprised me. I didn't think that he would return at all.</p> <p>In the morning, he got up dressed showered had some breakfast and packed a small bag and left. I tried to talk to him, as we needed to sort things out. He ignored me. I humililated him, and he would be so angry. But what really left me heart broken was N. Seeing her father in the morning she ran up to him. He just ignored her and went about his tasks. Why take it out on her? I would never stop her from seeing her father, but obviously he doesn't see it that way. She didn't really know what was going on, but I was left to cycle to work with N behind me. She seemed ok, I'd have to wait from the report from the nursery to see how she is. I think its good hes gone for a little while, we need time apart to work out whats going on. And what to do next. Whether its all over. Or will things change. But I know deep down. Nothing will change, and it may be the end once and for all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/29/the-morning-after-the-night-before-4514885/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovedomestic-violencelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/29/the-morning-after-the-night-before-4514885/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/28/spaghetti-hoops-4512673/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-28:/2008/07/28/spaghetti-hoops-4512673/Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:47:48 +0200 <p>Its quite unsual for me to write two blogs so closely together. But its an exceptional day. I just feel the need to write it all down, perhap I will feel better???</p> <p>Unfortunately, I've been sick all weekend. I caught what N had, a high fever and sore throat. I was totally bed ridden, even me, who never sleeps in or lies around, couldn't get up out of bed. It was something. So when I asked C to look after N, well he wasn't too happy. It was his conclusion that I am indeed faking it. I just wanted attention and I was jealous because N was ill the week before - so its my turn. I was shocked too speachless to say anything (and too weak), but I was devestated. About 6 neurofens later, I was strong enough to make lunch and dinner, and I believe I was sleeping in between. N was mostly left to fend for herself.... But she did occassionally come up to me and give me baby kisses on my arm. In my delirious fever-like state, she brought tears to my eyes.</p> <p>So Sunday, pumped full of ibuprofens and paracetamol, I realised that I am alone in this world, noone to care for me. So I started to get on with my day, washing, cleaning, looking after N. C ofcourse was adament that I was faking it all along. God how I hated him just then. In the afternoon there was a summer party organised by the company I work for. Although I totally avoid alcohol fuelled parties, I thought this one was ok, because it was specially for families and children. And I thought N would like it. Ofcourse, C would never be seen tagging along behind me, and so refused to go. After a good old slagging match, I finally went and took N with me. Naturally if it was rowdy and drunkenly, I would have come back but it was full of bouncy castles, face painting and balloon twisty things and so N loved it. We had a lovely time together and came home before 6pm. C was not happy, and I should have realised that he would make trouble for me.....</p> <p>so today, I asked him to take N to nursery so I can take my bike to work and get it fixed so N can come with me from now on. So I left him to it. When I got home after work, I was surprised to see that N and C were not there. I was sure he took her for a spin or something just to piss me off. Anyway they got back and he had taken her to the shops. I wasn't too annoyed at all, just happy to see N and play with her. So the evening wears on, and C decides to feed N - cheesy triangles the laughing cow one. I don't have a problem with it, but it as a) just before dinner and b) not like that should be on some bread or crackers because c) its full of salt and preservatives. He didn't listen, so I took the rest of the triangles and put them in the bin.</p> <p>That must have really turned his buttons because next thing I know, he rammed a "hot off the hob" plate of food (spaghetti hoops) into my right ear. I was screaming rushed to the sink to put cold water on it and in my shock and upset frantically called 999. The police were here, and to put it short, they arrested him. I feel so bad. I didn't make a statement. I didn't make a complaint. He took my keys and I am scared hes coming back to beat me black and blue. I was unconsolablely in tears, so was N (who I was carrying at the time). I told the police that this was an ongoing problem, the name calling, preventing me from having friends, going out, telling me what to wear, making me feel bad about myself. As soon as they came I asked them to go, but it was too late, they said they had to arrest him and to tell him off. I don't want him to get into trouble, that wasn't why I called the police. I want things to change. I am not sure what he is going to do next. If I know him as well as I think I do, he won't come back here. WHat he'll do is try and grab N from nursery because thats how he will get back at me. The police said they would call when they release him, and they haven't called yet. But I just feel shocked saddened and very tired. N is in bed and I am going to sleep close to her tonight. Its going to be a tough night for both of us. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/28/spaghetti-hoops-4512673/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>domestic-abuselovepolicelifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/28/spaghetti-hoops-4512673/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/gets-tougher-still-4497008/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-25:/2008/07/25/gets-tougher-still-4497008/Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:18:31 +0200 <p>Well little N has been quite ill, she picked up some horrible bug from nursery. Given that I am the only one working, I did expect C to look after her. But wednesday he wouldn't, so I ended up taking a day off work. Work are really good about it though, they gave me a full days pay also, and that wasn't my holiday time either. Its great when you have an understanding employer....</p> <p>pity I don't have an understanding husband.#</p> <p>I mention to a good friend of mine at work some of the problems with C, she was quite shocked. She told me to be strong. Hes quite angry that I am back at work, and I have a feeling hes behaving badly to try and get me sacked. I hope not, I just have to be on my toes. For example, little N was ok today, so I went to C early in the morning and asked him if he was going to take care of her or not. He said he would see how she was in the morning and take her to nursery later. Ok fine, so I did all my chores and 10 minutes to departure time, C comes down and says I should take the day off work and look after N. Hmmmm, why leave it so late?!?!? Anyway, I dropped her off at nursery and headed off to work. I just felt that he did that last minute "change of mind" on purpose to try and get me into trouble at work. Like I said. Luckily for me, work are very understanding! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/gets-tougher-still-4497008/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>working-motherlifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/25/gets-tougher-still-4497008/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/18/life-goes-on-4466747/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-18:/2008/07/18/life-goes-on-4466747/Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:08:01 +0200 <p>Well I am trying to make an effort to blog more, and things are getting better. Its as if C was reading my blog, but it can't be can it??? Can he have discovered my secret? But hes getting better at dealing with the fact that I am at work, and hes going to have to be more hands on. We haven't had any raging rows lately, mostly because I am working all day, so we don't get the chance to.</p> <p>So there you go, good marriage counselling - get a job, then you see each other less and argue less.</p> <p>That was my bit of good advice for the day. N is one years old tomorrow and its a huge deal for me, the day she was born and suddenly when she became the most important thing in my life.</p> <p>And if I am really honest, perhaps that is the main problem with C, hes jealous of that, and thats why he tries to demean me. I know I don't really pay him the attention I used to, and he always comes second, is it my fault, have I brought it on myself? Or is he going to just have to grow up and accept it?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/18/life-goes-on-4466747/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/18/life-goes-on-4466747/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/11/back-at-work-4435906/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-07-11:/2008/07/11/back-at-work-4435906/Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:34:13 +0200 <p>I realise its been long... too long since I last wrote a blog entry. The truth is that I am now back at work at taking more than 13 months maternity leave, and I'm back full time. Little N is in nursery full time, and its heart breaking to leave her there, although judging by how happy she is in the evening, I am guessing that shes happy there.</p> <p>But I stupidly thought that things will get better with C once I get back to work. THey haven't, they are worse. His insults are getting worse, hes started throwing things at me, not big things, but like tea towels, dish clothes, clothes etc... thrown in anger, aimed for my head. Hes also expecting me to do everything around the house, I wake up, shower, get N ready, fed (I don't eat breakfast myself as I don't have time), then I am out the house at 8am, take N to nursery, work all day, finish at 5pm, pick up N, go home frantically cook her supper, play a little with her, then put her to bed.... then the work begins, I end up cleaning up my mess, and more importantly all the dirty dishes that C has left behind during the day. Yes, you see, C doesn't work. Hes at home all day (surfing the net I persume) why, because he is doing him PhD. Hes been doing it for about 7 years now.....</p> <p>So I wonder oh I wonder, what the hell am I doing. I think I need I brain transplant, not only do I have to suffer abuse from him, but I have to work and bring in the money, to pay for his crappy university fees which are £3000 a year, and ontop of that all bills etc.... and nursery fees which are quite hefty, and do all the work at home, he still expects me to make him dinner... and why??? WHY??? I keep asking myself that, and I know why, for N. She adores her dad and I don't want to take him away from her. So I suffer away. Oh, I am such a mug, I can't believe how hes just having a cushy life on my expense. Well, I used to give him £1000 allowance every month, and since July that has stopped, no more cushy cushy for him. Time to take a stand! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/11/back-at-work-4435906/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifedomestic-abuselovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/07/11/back-at-work-4435906/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/06/08/facebook-4288695/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-06-08:/2008/06/08/facebook-4288695/Sun, 08 Jun 2008 14:48:45 +0200 <p>Well its been a while, a long while since I last wrote. The reasons, N is incredibly mobile now, and I am unable to plop her on my lap and write without having q's and z's after every other letter. Plus, C is around much more now that term has finished and well of course, he doesn't know about this blog and if he found out.......</p> <p>But as N is getting older, there is one thing that I am beginning to see in her, and that she wants both her mummy and daddy. I think whats best for her is to have both of us around. And ofcourse both of us around not arguing. I am really trying not to argue with C, its very hard as he pushes and pushes then calls me names and I end up getting very angry and moody. THankfully, no vacuum flask incidents from me, I have tried to contain my anger by taking a walk or keeping away from him. However, there was one recent event from C that I think deserves documentation.</p> <p>I recently added an old male friend of mine as a friend on facebook. I am not sure how C found out about this, my profile is on high security, nobody can find me in a search ( and I am not stupid enough to put C on as one of my friends), but he found out. He went mental. Accused me of having an affair with this guy and called me a slut and all the rest of it.... well anyway, it ended up with him spitting on me. I did really think that it was the end of our marriage, that is obviously what C thinks of me.... but for some reason, he turned round and apologised the next day. We've been muddling through ever since, and I don't really belive that things will get better,although I wish they would.</p> <p>In anycase, I only have 4 weeks to go until I am back at work. I am going back full time and N is going to nursery full time, so I strongly believe that being away from him for so long will help - if we are not around each other, surely we can't argue? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/06/08/facebook-4288695/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovefacebookdomestic-abuselifehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/06/08/facebook-4288695/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/19/through-thick-and-thin-4195756/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-05-19:/2008/05/19/through-thick-and-thin-4195756/Mon, 19 May 2008 22:01:52 +0200 <p>Well since going to womens aid, theres one thing thats changed, and thats me. I decided I will no longer allow C to be nasty to me, if he dishes it out then he has to get it back, and I've been answering back at every opportunity. </p> <p>I guess a big part of the problem (and it has gotten worse since N was born) is that myself and C are home together all day. Although when a couple marry they live together, but I do think that a little bit of absence is good for the relationship. Well, I am on maternity leave and so home with the baby all day, and C, well hes still studying, the PhD that has been going on for 8 years now.....</p> <p>But my answering back has forced him to talk a little more than usual to me (just a little) and he did make a plea to me that touched my heart. I know that our life is difficult, but I think its very difficult for me as I don't only have to do the housework, care for the baby, make food etc, but I have to work and provide for us all, and that pressure is quite intense. He did say he appreciated the fact that I am supporting his studies and he asked me to just wait a little longer until he finishes his PhD and our lives will drastically improve. I am a real sucker, I am not the hard hearted woman I sometimes make myself out to be, but it made me think of our wedding vows to each other. Through better and worse, and this is the worse. Am I too hasty? Should I stick it through and things will get better, or am I just too optomistic. THe lady from womens aid seems to think that I am..... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/19/through-thick-and-thin-4195756/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovelifemarriagehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/19/through-thick-and-thin-4195756/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/16/the-female-form-4182081/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-05-16:/2008/05/16/the-female-form-4182081/Fri, 16 May 2008 15:29:36 +0200 <p>I hate stereotypes. I hate the media. I hate the fact that women are always portrayed as evil scheming bitches, or weak and influencable creatures, or cheating whores on tv. I mean, just look around on almost every tv channel, women are often the weak ones having affairs, or the ones to mess up a story line. So I don't really blame many men for thinking that women are pathetic creatures. And I hate that.</p> <p>Theres no convincing C that women are normal human beings, in his eyes women are the nastier race and thats why men are around, to make sure they get up to no wrong. Ofcourse, he assumes that all affairs are the womens fault (we're only men is his excuse) and women always mess it up. I guess when we are portrayed like that on tv, then I don't blame him for thinking that. I think there is not enough positive female role models on tv, and true representations of what women are. But then again, a sensible boff does not make good tv! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/16/the-female-form-4182081/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>feminisismhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/16/the-female-form-4182081/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/07/maddie-mccann-4145497/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-05-07:/2008/05/07/maddie-mccann-4145497/Wed, 07 May 2008 22:37:45 +0200 <p>I've never blogged about Maddie McCann, but I do quite often think of this little girl and whatever became of her. It just fascinates me how the parents have had this media circus around them, first the media hated them, and now in every paper I come across its the total opposite and they are sympathetic. It just amazes me how the media can turn like that with a little persuasion, and how that can influence public opinion...</p> <p>But I like to think that I am more of an independent thinker than that. I just think something fishy is going on there with the maddie case, and I do think that the parents are hiding something. I am not sure if they were involved in her disappearance, but I have that gut feeling that they know something they are not letting on.</p> <p>I know the portuageese police are incompetent, but to disappear like that without a trace... hmmm. ANd if it was part of a big ring of kidnappers, then why not take the young twins, surely they are worth more because they are small and are unlikley to remember anything, instead of taking maddie who is alot older. Just me silly thoughts... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/07/maddie-mccann-4145497/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>maddie-mccannhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/05/07/maddie-mccann-4145497/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/25/daddy-dearest-4092027/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-04-25:/2008/04/25/daddy-dearest-4092027/Fri, 25 Apr 2008 09:01:00 +0200 <p>since telling my dad of marital problems, hes been doing my head in with his constant rhetoric. He wants me to quit my job and move close to them in this very tight knit community with very few white people around. Not only am I so happy where I work, at last I am working somewhere I love, but the thought of living near my controlling father scares me.</p> <p>And theres another reason, I am quite against living in segregated communities. I have blogged before about the problems I have faced living where I am where I am one of the few "forgein looking" people in this area and the racism that I feel towards me and my headscarf. Although I believe we can learn alot from multicultuarilism, I feel that its getting increasingly harder for me to live here and can feel the forces pulling me to my parents side of town. I do believe that eventually its for the best if we stay here, especially for N who needs to be exposed to the real world, not this make believe one my family live in. I don't try to shove islam down peoples throats, but if anyone wants to hear I will talk. ANd I think thats the best way towards tolerism.</p> <p>There was a programme on channel 4 about immigration: the inconvenient truth, where they commented on segration of communities. I feel it is hard to integrate if people in your area don't accept you, and its essentially peoples attitudes that lead to the integration problems we have today. Just a thought </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/25/daddy-dearest-4092027/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>racismlifetoleranceimmigrationhttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/25/daddy-dearest-4092027/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/23/moving-forward-4082428/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-04-23:/2008/04/23/moving-forward-4082428/Wed, 23 Apr 2008 09:28:17 +0200 <p>Its been a while since I last wrote, and with a naughty crawling baby, its been hell finding time getting onto the computer. I finally met with a woman from womens aid last friday. I have to admit, I had to sneak out whilst C was in the mosque, and I was expectin to see a battered old hag who herself suffered domestic abuse. In fact, I was quite surprised, instead I was met with a very lovely and pretty blonde lady, who seemed to know just what kind of a man C was. After a lovely cup of tea (half of which ended up on my jumper thanks to N), I left with lots to think about. I was quite impressed that she even knew about islam and had read the quran in english herself and was aware of the cultural differences. She said I had no option, nothing will change unless C admits he is wrong and seeks help, or I leave. Thats quite a daunting task. She also said that if its hard now, if I left it will be harder, C would never forgive me for leaving him, and he would make my life misery.</p> <p>After that, I decided to go to the GP and talk to her about it. SHe suggested I try relate, an organisation that deals with relationship problems, and at £40 an hour, they better be good. I feel that we need to see someone together so he can say what he feels is the problem and so can I, and we can come to some sort of compromise, because I am certainly not arrogant enough to belive its all him and I am the perfect angel. The vacuum flask incident was out of order, even after provokation, I should never have let him do that to me, and I should never have lashed out....</p> <p>In anycase, we have talked - alot, and we feel its better for N that we stay as a family and stop arguing. The first step is the name calling will have to stop. He said that he will do that if I start to respect him more, I said respect is earned and he would have to first proove that he stopped the name calling. Lets see how it goes, it could improve only for the short term, and things may slip back, or things could improve from now on, its difficult to judge. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/23/moving-forward-4082428/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifelovedomestic-abusehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/23/moving-forward-4082428/#commentshttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/15/hospital-dilemas-4047712/tag:onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk,2008-04-15:/2008/04/15/hospital-dilemas-4047712/Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:38:06 +0200 <p>Sorry I didn't update anyone yesterday, I am sure people would want to know what happened.</p> <p>I called the hospital in the end, they were there. However they wouldn't tell me what was going on, and said that C would call me later. Ofcourse, C never did. So I called again, and they would not give me any info. SO I had to tell them that N was taken without my permission to the hospital and that I am the mother and needed to know what was going on. They told me then that everything was ok, and no need to worry. Which is what my instinct was when I saw the rash. But I could hear N crying in the background, it was hysterical crying, and I was very very upset that all this was unnecessary. I was just helpless.</p> <p>But then C came home, and I made a decision no arguing infront of N, and I would tell him later how bad it was that he took N like that with no food or essentials for 4 and a half hours. But he went mad, saying I had no right to call the hospital. I am quite concerned now that by what hes done, the hospital may call social services because firstly it is very odd that a baby should arrive at A&E with no mother, and second with no essentials. If that happens, it may be both a good or bad thing.</p> <p>But one good thing did happen. My father now knows whats going on, something I have not told him. I told my mother and sister before what C is like, but now my father knows too, and his reaction was that C is mentally ill and needs urgent medical attention. I tend to agree with him, he does have acute paranoia, but now the dilema is how to get him to have this medical attention he so desperately needs. Thinking caps on, but from now until then, there is noway I will ever leave N with him again....</p> <p>thanks for EVERYONES comments. What he did was because he wanted to get his own back on me. I really felt supported yesterday and you're all stars! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/15/hospital-dilemas-4047712/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>mental-problemsdomestic-abuselifelovehttp://onceinalifeofamuslimwoman.blog.co.uk/2008/04/15/hospital-dilemas-4047712/#comments